November 14, 2008

AUIEG** Diary - Day 10


Dear Diary,

Check it out: Change Has Come commemorative plates! Only $19.95! I tell you, Diary, we ought to clean out our portfolio and invest in these babies right now.

Anyway, Diary, I got thinking last night: I've been so excited at the prospect of The One delivering my Unicorn that perhaps I've overlooked a fundamental question - Just what the heck am I actually going to do with Dreamy B when he appears? I mean, have I fallen into the Underpants Gnomes trap?

Step 1 - Unicorn

Step 2 - _______

Step 3 - Profit

I have a sneaking suspicion that some other folks might well have gone down this route. "Doggonit, Tom," I said to myself, "I'm not going to be like that!" So, Diary, I got up, grabbed a pad and pencil, sat down and really thought about what specific benefits Dreamy B is going to provide. Here, dear Diary, from the home office at Orgle Manor, is the list:


10. Unlimited rides for kids ensures top-notch birthday party entertainment for years to come.

9. One kiss from Dreamy B cures everything from minor scrapes to AIDS and cancer.

8. Powerful wings generate not only enough wind-power kilowattage to cover ordinary household needs, but also large electronic sign that reads "BITE ME, OPEC!"

7. Gaze from big, dewey eyes will render building contractors, garage mechanics and plumbers incapable of rooking us.

6. Sooper-size Unicorn brain available for tutoring means kids stroll into Harvard Med.

5. With powerful flanks and diamond-encrusted hooves, Dreamy B will just plain kick the crap out of any mean people.

4. Unicorn pooh spread around lollipop tree will generate sufficient crop yield to feed not just household, but all of Africa as well.

3. Glossy Unicorn coat will reflect solar radiation back into space, help control Greenhouse Effect.

2. Powdered slivers from Unicorn horn, taken with water, increase sexual potency 100-fold.

1. If things don't work out, French friends have told me horse meat actually is pretty darn tasty.

(Okay, Diary, that last one was just a joke. Just a joke!)

Ooooh, I can hardly wait!



(**A Unicorn In Every Garage)

Posted by Robert at November 14, 2008 06:00 AM | TrackBack

At $19.95, those plates are too expensive for use as targets.

Posted by: Marvin at November 14, 2008 12:27 AM

#8: wings? Unicorns don't have wings... Pegasus' do. A Pegasus with a unicorn horn is a Pegacorn. Maybe you're thinking of a Pegacorn?

Posted by: Lynellen at November 14, 2008 07:50 AM

What Lynellen said. No wings on unicorns. They are good for when you want to play horseshoes though (or is that unicornshoes?)

And Profit?! Don't you know that that word is now one of the seven words you can't say on the radio (others include capitalism, liberty, individualism and I don't want this blog to get banned by saying any more)

Posted by: rbj at November 14, 2008 09:28 AM