January 09, 2009

Your Friday Assignment

Everything seemingly is spinning out of control. Now it's a long-dormant mega-volcano under Yellowstone Park that's about to let loose:

CHEYENNE, Wyo. (AP) - Run for your lives ... Yellowstone's going to explode!

Hundreds of small earthquakes at Yellowstone National Park in recent weeks have been an unsettling reminder for some people that underneath the park's famous geysers and majestic scenery lurks one of the world's biggest volcanoes.

In the ancient past, the volcano has erupted 1,000 times more powerfully than the 1980 blast at Mount St. Helens, hurling ash as far away as Louisiana. No eruption that big has occurred while humans have walked the earth, however, and geologists say even a minor lava flow is extremely unlikely any time soon.

Some observers are nonetheless warning of imminent catastrophe.

"To those of us who have been following these events, we know that something is brewing, especially considering that Yellowstone is over 40,000 years overdue for a major eruption," warned a posting on the online disaster forum Armageddononline.org.

Another Web site contained a page entitled "Yellowstone Warning" that encouraged "everyone to leave Yellowstone National Park for 100 miles around the volcano caldera because of the danger in poisonous gasses that can escape from the hundreds of recent earthquakes."

That site, which carried the U.S. Geological Survey logo, has since been taken down.

"A casual observer would be led to believe that was an official source," park geologist Hank Heasler said, pointing out that the Yellowstone Volcano Observatory, which monitors the park for seismic activity, hasn't changed the volcano's alert level from "normal."

Working with the Geological Survey, Yellowstone spokesman Al Nash issued a press release Thursday saying no evacuation had been ordered.

Jessica Robertson, a Geological Survey spokeswoman in Reston, Va., said the Web page violated the USGS trademark and that the agency's attorneys were investigating whether a federal offense was committed.

You know the drill. Impending epic disaster coupled with Guv'mint denial and cover-up.

So here's your question: Who stars in the movie? The only restriction is that it can't be anyone who was in Volcano or Dante's Peak.

Just to get you started, I'm thinking Steve Carroll as the hapless USGS Administrator and, say, Kathy Griffin as the sexually ambiguous partner of the female scientist lead who gets red-shirted by an unexpectedly untimely spouting of Old Faithful.

Posted by Robert at January 9, 2009 09:07 AM | TrackBack

Are Steve McQueen or George Kennedy available? They did well in Earthquake. Or was it Airport?

Posted by: The Maximum Leader at January 9, 2009 09:13 AM

NO, it has to be Bruce Boxleitner. And Tawny Kitaen as the intrepid reporter trying to get this story out. Ed Asner is the corrupt govt official trying to put the kybosh on the story, because he's being paid off by an evil land developer (not yet cast) who wants to put in a big community nearby, funded by adjustable rate subprime mortgages backed by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Cameo by Bruce Willis as the miner who volunteers to carry a nuke into a mine nearby to set off an explosion that will relieve the pressure, resulting in only a minor volcano.

Posted by: rbj at January 9, 2009 09:26 AM

Will Smith: the renagade soldier.

Tommy Lee Jones: the lead scientist that sees it coming, but is ignored.

Natalie Portman: the only one in government that believes Tommy Lee Jones.

Jeff Bridges: the corrupt government official, .

Robert Downey Jr: clueless government guy that comes around in the end.

Posted by: Sarah G. at January 9, 2009 10:35 AM

Nope, no Tommy Lee. He's disqualified under the "been there/done that" rule.

Hey, how about Philip Seymour Hoffman reprising his role as "Dusty" in the ignored scientist role?

"It's the Extreme, baybee!"

Posted by: Robbo the LB at January 9, 2009 11:35 AM

Dern, ok how about Christopher Walken.

Posted by: Sarah G. at January 9, 2009 12:31 PM

Don't forget Tea Leone as the reporter who is chosen by the president, Morgan Freeman, to break the real story and meets her end reconciling with her father on the beach as the tsumanmi caused by the eruption wipes out half of the Eastern Seaboard.

Posted by: LMC at January 9, 2009 02:43 PM

Already been done:

Posted by: WCWC at January 10, 2009 07:52 AM