Oh Steve, Oh Pep. Love it, love it, LOVE IT! How much more manical can Sam L. Jackson (he's my bro, y'know) look?! LOL! This is BOUND to be a cult classic.

My dad was a USAF pilot from 1943 to 1973, and the most morbidly hilarious story he had about his flying adventures was about... snakes on a plane (The ones he could talk about: He was a CIA pilot in 'Nam, and some of that stuff is STILL classified). It goes like this:

Dad was piloting a C-141 from Hawaii to Viet Nam in 1971. The job was to bring supplies over and bodies back (That's the gruesome aspect: Many names on "The Wall" are of men who my dad flew home). They were late arriving due to a non-cooperating jet stream, and so the sun had set. Dad said everything was "assholes and elbows" as the crews tried to get the plane unloaded, refueled, and then re-loaded with the pallets of the KIA's.

The bodies were in pine boxes and they were shrink wrapped, or otherwise covered with some opaque plastic. They were loaded with regular forklifts.

Once they were airborne and returning to McCord (The trip was a huge triangle from Washington, to Hawaii, to Viet Nam, and back to Washington), the Navigator - Dad says he was a young first lieutenant - decided to stretch his legs and walk around the cargo hold.

Well, there is a bulkhead between the cockpit and the cargo area that has a pressure door on it so the cockpit could maintain presure if the cargo area was depressurized (This becomes important later). Dad said the door closed behind the navigator, and then immediately swung back open with the navigator leaping into the cockpit as white as a sheet and gasping for air.

According to dad, the conversation went like this:

Dad: "What is it, lieutenant?"

Navigator: "Snakes! Thousands of them!"

Dad: ... "Uh, let me take a look." (To the co-pilot) "Major, take the aircraft for a minute."

Dad opened the door to find that the entire cargo bay floor was completely covered with a seething mass of snakes of all descriptions. They had gotten up into the pallets for warmth and cover, and as the temperature dropped with altitude, had begun to look for someplace warmer. Now, a C-141 is a VERY LARGE AIRCRAFT, so this is a whole lotta snakes we're talkin' about here. Not only that, but south east Asia has some very nasty venomous varieties which could kill a man double-indemnity-dead.

Dad: "$#!@*&%! Major, you gotta see this!"

What did they do? They took the 141 up to its service ceiling and depressurized the cargo hold. It was, like, -50 degrees F or something like that. That froze the snakes to death in short order, and then they were able to go down to the deck, open the rear cargo doors, and literally sweep them out into the Pacific.

I wish I could tell that story like Dad used to. He'd have you busting a gut as he acted out the parts. The original salty language added a lot too. I sure as hell miss him. He was one cool dude.