April 11, 2006

Jack Bauer Hollywood Revisionism Posting

I can't help wondering how Donald Sutherland, he of the aging 60's hippy generation, feels about the fact that his son has rocketed to fame playing the single most ass-kickingest kicker of asses on the U.S. Government payroll.

I also can't help wondering what would happen if Kiefer's Jack Bauer were to be inserted in some of Donald's movies.

For instance, do you think Hawkeye Pierce would have been able to bamboozle the Commander of the 4077th, Col. Jack Bauer? He'd be cleaning latrines with his tongue.

Do you think that Jack Bauer would have allowed Karen Allen's Katy to wander into the arms of Prof. Dave Jennings? He'd have pulled Jennings' liver out with his own roach-clip. And fed it to Neidermeyer.

Jack Bauer instead of Jim Garrison? The investigation would have lasted 7 minutes, max.

I'm sure there are plenty other examples. This also strikes me as excellent photo-shop bait. Go to it and good luck.

YIPS from Steve-O: Well there you go, playing pop kultur T-ball with me again....

the eagle has landed.jpeg

The obvious Jack Bauer/Donald Sutherland conundrum would the The Eagle has Landed, where Donald plays Liam Devlin, erstwhile Irish Republican in the service of the Nazis, as they try to kidnap Winston Churchill. Talk about your need for a cold shower: Jack Bauer versus pre-limp and wiggly Michael Caine AND Robert Duvall. Plus, you got the bonus fact that both Audrey and Chloe would look positively fetching in English country garb, circa 1943. It's Bletchley Park geek nirvana, I tell you!

Posted by Robert at April 11, 2006 01:51 PM | TrackBack
Comments

The Italian Job would've been five minutes long, and Edward Norton would've been tossed off the dam.

In Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Wickham would have been terminated "with extreme prejudice".

In "The Eagle Has Landed", Churchill would have been kidnapped and the Third Reich would have been victorious.

And naturally, Jack Bauer wouldn't have needed Buffy to kill any stinkin' vampires.

And in Kelly's Heroes, Jack Bauer would've taken out the Tigers without needing any run-down Sherman.

Posted by: The Colossus at April 11, 2006 02:03 PM

And we mustn't forget that, in addition to being a boomer, a hippie wannabe, and a stereotypical Hollywood leftist, Donald Sutherland is also a Canadian. Truly, revenge is sweet.

Posted by: utron at April 11, 2006 02:13 PM

Jack Bauer would have kicked pods in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," even if he did let one of them become president.

Posted by: Night Writer at April 11, 2006 05:00 PM

"It's a mother beautiful bridge!"

POW! Bauer would smack that hippie weenie...

I hate that movie! What the heck, Captain Steubing?????

Posted by: GroovyVic at April 11, 2006 08:14 PM

Kentucky Fried Movie wouldn't have had a clumsy waiter, it would've had a killer waiter.

Don't Look Now would have been retitled Don't Look At Me, Look At The Ground Now! Or I WILL SHOOT YOU!

Posted by: dorkafork at April 11, 2006 11:29 PM