Gratuitous Llama Netflix Movie Review

Up last evening was Troy (2004).

I expected this flick to be a dog and I wasn't in the least disappointed. Indeed, it looked exactly what I imagined a cheesy blockbuster 2004 version of The Iliad would look. Except that there was no Angelina Jolie. I had thought there was going to be some Angelina Jolie, so in that sense I was disappointed. However, Saffron Burrows, as the wife of Hector, wasn't too shabby.

But I digress. The film was clunky, the story devoid of all the poetry that made the original great and badly at odds with Homer on many points, the characters impossibly modern and shallow and the action, frankly, rayther dull after a while. And I can only assume that the utter lack of participation by the gods was some kind of "statement" on the part of the director. (Indeed, the insertion of the Stalinesque crack about the number of battalions Apollo commands was particularly snide.) Oh, and correct me if I am mistaken, but I always thought that the King of Sparta's name was pronounced "Men-uh-LAY-uhs". For reasons unfathomable, everybody here called him "Men-uh-lowse". Made him sound unclean. Or was that the point?

I won't even bother about Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom. Puh-lease. And Peter O'Toole (who played Priam) ought to be ashamed of himself. Surely he didn't need the money?

But. BUT. There was one semi-bright spot to the film. I thought that Sean Bean was a good choice as Odysseus:

Odysseus was, of course, an extremely shifty fellah, full of tricks, strategems and outright lies. (If memory serves, Dante puts him in one of the circles of hell for this.) Bean has got that sly look about him that allows him to pull off this kind of character very well. (That's why he's so good as Richard Sharpe, too.) And it occured to me as I watched him that this was also why I never bought him as Boromir in LOTR. Boromir is described time and again as being of a lordly, noble appearance. He's blunt, a simple warrior preferring the straightforward. Indeed, I wouldn't go so far as to call Boromir simple-minded, but I would say that all of his thinking hangs on a relatively small set of clear and uncomplicated principles. To me, Bean was never able to convey that. He looked too calculating.

Sorry. But if I digress again it's because I really don't have anything else to say about Troy itself. Robbo's Rating: No Yips! for you! Don't even bother.