Back To The Future

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA (API) - Ahead of the expected announcement that the South Carolina and New Hampshire Republican Parties will move their states' primaries to the beginning of January, the Chairmen of the Iowa Republican and Democratic Parties today surprised political pundits by jointly announcing that the Iowa primaries will now be held three weeks ago.

"In order to maintain our traditional position as the first great testing ground of the election cycle, we felt we had no choice but to break the temporal barrier," said a spokesman. "That'll teach those rat-bastards in New Hampshire and South Carolina to try and cut."

When asked if the change would stretch the campaign season beyond the limits of human endurance, the spokesman said, "Meh. What else have you got to do?"

Rumor of the Iowa move caused an immediate boom in the stocks of T.A.R.D.I.S., plc, Wayback Machines, Inc., and DeLorean.