July 05, 2007

Gratuitous Mid-Afternoon Potty Humor


Behold the latest marvel of 21st Century technology, the Clean Seat Matic! Not only does it whip out a fresh paper lining for each new user, it also nags you to flush! It's a veritable Ceramic Nanny!

The thing's voice-chip has room for up to three minutes' worth of additional, shall we say, sanitary copy. This got me wondering about what messages might be appropriate, which in turn became the seed for


10. Ever consider that Jenny Craig deal?

9. Does your mother know you're out in public in those filthy undies? What happens if you get in a car accident?

8. Keep wiping, pardner.

7. There are too many mother-effin snakes in this toilet!

6. I see.....a bad moon risin'

5. Warning....seat retraction in five....four....three......

4. *Click!* Thank you. Your custom photo will be posted on the Internet unless you deposit $500 dollars in the receptical to your right in the next five minutes.

3. Listen, you keep straining like that and you'll only make those piles worse. Go buy some Preparation-H, for pete's sake!

2. Next dog that comes in here to get a drink out of me, I'm taking his head right off!

1. Got shrinkage?

Be sure to follow the link to see a video of the thing in action.

Yips! to Dave Barry.

UPDATE: In response to the flood of emails, yes, this is a bit out of my normal blogging path. But as it happens, one of the items at the top of this weekend's honey-do list is fixing the gels' potty, the workings of which they've managed to destroy even though none of them ever seems to flush. Suffice to say, the subject, like that of 'Arold the Flying Sheep to the shepherd, is one that is mooch on moi moind:

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