February 21, 2007
Would-Be Rescuer Whips Out His Sword
This is great.
Apparently, a guy hears a woman "screaming" in the apartment above him so, thinking a rape was in progress, he grabs a cavalry sword and bursts into the apartment. Problem is, the screams were coming from a porno his neighbor was watching with the volume turned way up.
“Now I feel stupid,” said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. “This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake.”Fortunately, Van Iveren didn't cause any injury to the neighbor who at the time was likely unarmed.According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock.
“Where is she?” Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. “Where is she?”
“I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened,” he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.There's no mention in the article as to whether or not the neighbor's sword was extended.Contesting his neighbor’s account, Van Iveren said he didn’t look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.
“I had the sword extended. But that was all,” he said.
Oh, and it gets better.
Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5...OK, 39-year-old guy. Lives with his mother. Doesn't own a telephone but he does own a cavalry sword. So he...wait for it...comes to the rescue of a damsel in distress while brandishing said sword....Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.
Police seized Van Iveren’s sword, which he said was a family heirloom.
Do you think maybe he was playing Dungeons & Dragons at the time?
Posted by Gary at February 21, 2007 03:51 PM | TrackBackCriminal dorkiness.
But why the h3ll do you turn up the sound to a pr0no tape? Yeah, sure everyone's gonna think it's really you making a woman scream like that. Sure.
Posted by: rbj at February 21, 2007 04:09 PMSo he doesn't have a phone, but he does have a family heirloom.
Is he living with his mother because - as you imply - he's a loser? Or does she have cancer perhaps? I don't know - the point is neither do you.
If he had heard a woman screaming and did nothing a la Kitty Genovese's neighbors you have been attacking him for being schmuck.
He tried to do what he thought was the right thing, and all you can do is make fun.
Great writing.
Posted by: Zendo Deb at February 21, 2007 07:30 PMIf you want great writing, scroll down two posts to Robbo's "Gratuitous Royal Navy Geek Posting (TM)".
Posted by: Gary at February 21, 2007 08:30 PMI REALLY THINK THIS
GUY DID THE THING...IF HE DID NOTHING HE
HE DID THE RITE THING..I WOULD WANT HIM IN MY BUILDING, ACTUALLY. MAYBE HE'S A LOSER OF THE SOCIAL KIND, BUT WHO CARES...HE HAS MORALS...MORE THAN YOU CAN SAY ABOUT HALF THE FOOLS I MEET
Posted by: BILLY at February 21, 2007 08:43 PM...AND COURAGE!!
Posted by: BILLY at February 21, 2007 08:44 PMBilly, it's late. Brush your teeth, put on your jammies and Unca' will be in to read you a nice, soothing story.
Posted by: Uncle Pinky at February 21, 2007 08:49 PM15 Years ago, while living in Arlington, VA, I heard a woman yelling "Help"! I looked out my door and saw my neighbor pushing a woman into his apartment. I called the Police, which dispatched an officer - Pretty Damn Quick. The officer talked his way into the apartment and after a few minutes - he left. Apparently, it was a domestic quarrel, nothing to see or hear, etc.
The following day, my then girlfriend, heard HIS girlfriend singing Whitney Hustan's "I'll Always Love You" over the din of the boyfriends vacuum cleaner.
Why women date men like that escapes me. No pun intended.
Posted by: KMR at February 21, 2007 09:08 PMGotta agree with Zendo on this one. Hindsight's a great luxury, ain't it?
Posted by: Boy Named Sous at February 21, 2007 10:45 PMI'm surprised Ace has nothing on this story. His demographic and all.
Posted by: The Colossus at February 22, 2007 08:44 AMBilly, the Caps Lock key. It's to the right of the "A". Do yourself a favor and press it. Just once.
Oh, and put down that cavalry sword.
Posted by: Gary at February 22, 2007 08:56 AMSword-bearing would-be rescuer bursts in to the room and hears:
"You've come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who . . . "
;)
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