July 18, 2006
Gratuitous Dog Days Touron Griping
You Are Here. Go Home.
Y'know, sometimes I almost like INDCent Bill.
His excellent rant about tourons from North Nebraskohio reminds me that it's time to recycle a certain Llama PSA. Therefore, I give you:
Llama Robbo's Top Ten Dee Cee Metro Hints10. Metro escalators are specially designed so you and your friends can stand side by side. A lot of money went into getting the width right. Take advantage of it.
9. Prizes are given for the best imitation of the "Please stand clear of the doors - Thank you," voice. Keep trying - you could be the next winner! UPDATE: Metro has recently installed new chimes on many of its cars. Prizes are also being awarded for the most enthusiastic "ding! ding! ding!"
8. Every local commuter keeps a running tab in their head of the number of stops left until the Smithsonian. Feel free to ask as often as you like - they keep track so you don't have to!
7. Don't believe those signs that say you can't exit a Metro parking lot without a Smartrip card. Just tool on up to the gate and wait. It'll open. Trust me.
6. Metro trains travel both above and below ground but a surprising number of local residents are unaware of this. Be sure to remind them whenever your train enters or exits a tunnel.
5. Everybody wants to know about Mary-Jo's hysterectomy!
4. For national security reasons, do not begin fishing around in your purse or pocket for your farecard until you actually reach the turnstile. Cards readied in hand before you get there will be confiscated by the WMATA Transit Police.
3. Scrambling in or out of a car before the doors slam shut is the only excitement most local commuters get in our otherwise boring days. Don't make it any less challenging by getting out of the way or moving your luggage.
2. Farecard machines will not accept any currency larger than a nickel. Be sure to get plenty of change before attempting to purchase a card.
1. There's always room for one more person!
Learn it. Live it. Love it.
UPDATE: Behold the power of the Dark Side. On the Metro this evening, a fourteen or fifteen year old kid imitating the door chimes. Falsetto, no less.
I'm a fellow deecee commuter. I've always felt there ought to be two rules for tourons:
1. They should not be allowed to use the Metro during rush hour.
2. They should not dine in any restaurant within 1 mile of an office building between the hours of 11:30AM and 1:30PM.
I live in the Midwest...I understand heat, but what's a tourist?
Posted by: Basil Seal at July 18, 2006 10:47 PMBut, but, I came to your fair city last spring. I know about public transit. I stood to the right and walked on the left (and probably ran over a few tourons in the process).
May I have pass please, sir?
Posted by: bobgirrl at July 19, 2006 02:09 AMPssst, tourons, despite the signs it is in fact perfectly legal and ok to eat and drink on the trains. In fact the police will be very happy if you offer to share your meal with them. Go ahead, eat.
Posted by: rbj at July 19, 2006 06:51 AMI have a training class in DC in September. Since there's no parking, I'll have to take Metro. I'm dreading it. Especially since I'm still not sure where I'll be in terms of my morning sickness.
Posted by: jen at July 19, 2006 08:35 AMAs DC's crime emergency has spread to the wealthy areas and the mall, I expect the number of tourists you have to deal with will decreas.
Give Florida a try. Tourists and the elderly - neither group gives a damn really. But the worst are the folks here for spring training - worse than the kids doing spring break really. (Though I haven't had an up-close-and-personal exposure to the Super Bowl crowd....)
At least on the Metro, they aren't a real threat to people. Tourists don't believe traffic laws apply to them (Turn left from the right-hand lane, well only if my hotel is down that road... stop for red light? But I'm looking at the pretty palm trees... exit across 4 lanes of interstate highway, but I couldn't go to the next exit and come back, and I can't drive in the right lane, even though I'm travelling locally, and on and on and on...
"If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot at them?"
Posted by: Zendo Deb at July 19, 2006 11:11 AM
Image courtesy of the lovely and talented 