May 12, 2006

It's the Carnival of the Bauer---24 Hours Late, Of Course

24 jack bauer llama.jpg

It's the Carnival of the Bauer, the weekly pile-on link-whoring of all things 24.

This past week's episode took place between 3 and 4 a.m., to which I would say: who does President Logan's laundry? How do they get his collars to hold their line and color so well through the long dark night of the soul?

For those whose feelings run sentimental, Jeff at Peace Like a River starts off his weekly recap with a Jack-ku poem. Shiny! If you're like Robbo and have skipped the whole season, you can catch up with Jeff's episode summaries here (just scroll backward). Of course, nothing says drunk live blogging like Dave Barry's infamously hilarious 24 liveblogs. Personally, I prefer the weekly recaps at Rightwingnuthouse, which gives just the right blend of serious issues and downright silliness.

Why do I like 24? Well, you just know they're going to reach a point when they are going to introduce the character of Jack Bauer's long-lost Dad, and you just know it's going to be Kurt Russell.

Think about it: Jack Bauer versus Snake Plisskin in the 24 Movie:

24 the movie.jpg

And who could play the arch-villain? I'm guessing one Orenthal James Simpson would be able to take a break from his relentless pursuit of the real killers of his wife to fill the role of "Mr. Big," in a kind of Yaphet Kotto channelling Idi Amin shilling for Jeff Bezos and the Trilateral Commission sort of way.

Imagine the dialogue:






Which gives infinite possibilities: Jack and Snake working together on Father's Day? Snake is really working for Mr. Big? And how exactly are they going to work Ted McGinley into the series, anyway? I mean, after sucessfully killing off the West Wing, all it will take is one little McGinley cameo to apply the flesh eating-bacteria necrotizing the creative soul of the series.

My suggestion: get McGinley to play the immortal Hughes de Payens, Grand Master of the Knights Templar, who are trying to manipulate the US government into relaunching a grand crusade to purge the world of infidels, or at least separate said infidels from their ooooooooooiiiiiiiiilllllllllll. Not to mention hiding the secret of the ages that Jesus married a nine year old girl. Oh wait, sorry......wrong conspiracy theory.

Balsom speculates how tee-vee history would have been different with Jack Bauer in the role of blind Master Po on Kung-Fu, imploring young David Carradine to data mine the protocols outside of parameters, grasshopper: words of wisdom from Jack Bauer. I was so moved I went out and used my exacto knife to carve them onto a nice piece of shellaced driftwood, so I can hang it in my bathroom next to my collection of "Footsteps with God on the Beach" objet d'art.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with JACK BAUER.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to Jack Bauer.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned Jack Bauer about it:

"Jack, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way back to CTU.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life, when ginormous black helicopters
are swooping down and firing a gillion rounds at me
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

Jack Bauer replied:

The only reason that you're conscious right now is because I don't want to carry you. If you don't tell me what I want to know, then it'll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt. When I'm finished with you, you're gonna wish that you felt this good again.

You have no idea how far I'm willing to go to acquire your cooperation.

Meanwhile, back at the Presidential Retreat, Ree-C Murphey asks the question that has been on the lips of all of America---when did Curtis turn into a Jedi Master? Was he Mace Windu's sooper sekrit padawan? And will Samuel L. Jackson be able to use his Jedi mind tricks, let alone some light saber action, when he finds himself caught with SNAKES.....ON......THE.....PLANE!??? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Yes, you ask, but what does all this have to do with the true horror story of the age: the prospect of President Pelosi? Fiar opens up a can of whuppass on perceived moonbattery on the loose---I mean, if Mel Gibson can use the Mayan Empire's human sacrifice as an allegory for Chimpy McHitlerism, surely President Logan HAS to be Richard Milhous Walker Bush IV, right? Right? Umm, no. And let's face facts: if NBC had the cajones to "run" a character half as funny as Logan, the door of the West Wing wouldn't be slamming Martin Sheen in his ample arse on Sunday.

Who is the mole this time? GOP and the City speculates that it's Jack's long lost brother, Eddie, who is pulling the strings behind the nefarious plotting.

Forget finding the newly lost Cannisters of Doom----can Jack save the Republic from the plot of the $600 shoes? Only time will tell.


1. Current "Mr. Big" "Graham" will turn out to be a Dell Service Center Manager named "Tim McDoogle" who, bored with, umm, actually trying to give something more than absolutely crappy service for their customers, decides, in a fit of geek boredom, to entrap the President of the United States into a war for ooooooillllllll involving Carjackistan;

2. Big revalations as the ghost of Edgar decides to give Hayes advice , a la the ghost of Hamlet's father;

3. Reptilian asssuck bureaucratic backstabber Miles turns out to be none other than the latest incarnation of John Bigboote from Buckaroo Banzai, which would be yet another connection back to Omicron and the eeeevil Henderson.

4. Chloe will hook up with her one and only soul mate: NYPD Detective Bobby Goren.

5. Secretary Heller will appear at a news conference, and explain that his sudden unexplained car accident was a result of an unfortunate admixture of prescription Ben Gay and Yoo-Hoo, and will subsequently check into rehab. The dead hooker in the trunk will turn out to be Nina Myers' twin sister, coincidentally left there by the previous driver.

6. Audrey will be played in the 24 Movie by Helen Hunt. Crowds will cheer as Audrey is dropped into a sack of ravenous weasels and dropped from the Goodyear Blimp disrupting the "Up with America" half-time show at the Gator Bowl.

Posted by Steve at May 12, 2006 11:55 PM | TrackBack

Guess my entry got lost in the shuffle:

Posted by: at May 13, 2006 12:23 PM

Nice work, Steve. Thanks.

Posted by: RFTR at May 14, 2006 09:31 AM