June 07, 2008

Mr. Llama Regrets

Nomination Committee
Roman Catholic Boys for Art
The Strand
London W1


May I start by offering my most sincere thanks for your recent decision to nominate me for membership in your august society. I am deeply appreciative of the honor that you do me in extending such an invitation.

Unfortunately, I cannot help but notice that literally within minutes of my receipt of your invitation and the accompanying probationary instructions with respect to the posting of a certain picture of Arabian splendour to my own homepage, a line of extremely violent thunderstorms burst upon Orgle Manor, the result of which meteorological violence being that the old homestead was without all power for nearly 60 hours and without telephone, cable or internet access for approximately 72 hours.

I am far from expert on interpreting signs and portents and would gladly defer to the wisdom of, say, Fr. M for example, in such matters; however I cannot help but take the coincidence of your directive and this sudden outburst of nature's fury as a sign from the Almighty that my compliance with said directive just wouldn't do. Therefore, I must humbly beg to decline this undertaking.

I understand the Committee may feel it has no choice but to strike my name from further consideration for election and would, of course, respect that decision. Even in the event that I am not elected to the RCBfA, however, I will continue to be ready and willing to hold your collective hats and cheer heartily from the sidelines. In no way should my actions be taken as either influenced by or supportive of the Society of Bluenose Catholic Crankypants or similar wet-blanket organizations. Rayther, I simply feel that in circumstances such as those that have presented themselves, who wants to roll the dice?

Once again, thank you for the honor of your consideration.

Your most humble, obedient &c.,

Robbo T. Llama Butcher

Posted by Robert at June 7, 2008 05:24 PM | TrackBack

Bravo! I splendid performance indicating a profound grasp of subterfuge and underhanded evasion not seen in these parts since well, yesterday when the Reverend Sharpton (the real Rev, not our dog) blew into town to enlighten us on the subject of police brutality while we all know the last case of said offense occurred when members of Kwame Kilpatrick's own bodyguard offed a stripper in a hail of lead at two AM.

In recognition of this outstanding feat of legerdemain--we checked the Weather Channel; the skies over Orgle manor have been bluer than Grace Kelly's eyes these past several days--I hereby propose to the committee that your acceptance be fast tracked. After all, we know what's going on here: the old trouble and strife, while checking her email one fine afternoon, stumbled upon that Still Life thingy and couldn't have asked more pointed, unfair questions if she had been a Democratic subcomittee and you an international oil consortium. And you did the only thing you could do: you waffled. You zigged. You zagged. And after coming out of that experience with your cuffs only slightly singed and two scorched patches were eyebrows used to nestle, you decided you had to put up some sort of atmospheric-disturbance-hand-of-God story, like that weenie Martin Luther. Don't worry; all of us in the RCBfA have been through it (in Basil's case, more than once) and we honor your pluck, your dishonesty and your candid dissimulation.

Yours truly, Mr. P
Honorary Keeper of the Club Naughty Magazine Rack

Posted by: Mr. Peperium at June 7, 2008 10:57 PM