My Name Is Frodo! And I'm Here To Sing! Sing! Sing!

"Will you stop the cootchie-cootchie-coo stuff? Fer cryin' out loud, I'm fifty years old!"

The latest manifestation of Lord of the Rings: The Musical gets thoroughly panned:

The tale will oft be told of the plucky little hobbits, stubborn as bindweed and tough as old briar, and the doomed attempt of the fellowship of the ring to conquer middle West End. For it is a story of reckless courage and megalomaniacal hubris, and of throwing more good money after bad than seems entirely sane.

The first chapter was written in Toronto in the spring of 2006, where this £12.5 million leviathan of a musical had its first theatrical outing. The vile orcs, otherwise known as visiting drama critics, gave it a vigorous drubbing (the present writer included) while even the local press pronounced itself bored of the Rings.

The show failed to sell out, closed early, and in a rational world that would have been that.

However, the producer Kevin Wallace and the director Matthew Warchus, corrupted perhaps by the malign power of their "precious" ring, insisted they would bring the show to London. And now, in a shorter though not noticeably more lucid version, it opened last night at Drury Lane.

Heh, heh, heh. No sympathy whatsoever from me. But if the show crashes, might I suggest the insertion of this little ditty next time?

"Brush Up Your Bilbo" by J.R.R. Robbo (with apologies to Cole "Smeagol" Porter)

The elves today in society
Go for Noldoran poetry,
So to win their hearts one must quote all o'er
Galadriel and Fe-a-nor.
But the poet of them all
Who will start 'em simply ravin's
Is the poet people call
The bard who left the Gray Havens.

Brush up your Bilbo,
Start quoting him now.
Brush up your Bilbo
And the Eldar you will wow.
Just declaim a few lines about Gandalf
And they give you a heckuva sand-off.
If your elf won't respond when you flatter 'im
Tell him what Gimli told the Galadrim,
And if still, to be shocked, he pretends well,
Just remind him that even Gondolin fell.
Brush up your Bilbo
And they'll all kowtow.

Brush up your Bilbo,
Start quoting him now.
Brush up your Bilbo
And the Eldar you will wow.
If your goil is a Rivendell-bred dream
Treat the kid to a Lorien night's dream.
If she fights when her clothes you are fing'ring,
What are clothes when you've got the One Ring?
If she says your behavior's not valid
Kick her right where the heat got Gil-Galad.
Brush up your Bilbo
And they'll all kowtow,
And they'll all kowtow,
And they'll all kowtow.

Brush up your Bilbo,
Start quoting him now.
Brush up your Bilbo
And the Eldar you will wow.

Brush up your Bilbo
And they'll all kowtow,

Yips! from Gary:
And on that note, let's recall that famous deleted scene from Peter Jackson's "The Two Towers": The 40-Year Old Hobbit Virgin.

UPDATE from Robbo: In all fairness, I should note that the Times and the Guardian both luved the show. Evidently, they've already fallen under the Shadow.