May 02, 2007

That's My Church! - Robbo's Going To Hell, Division


Well, I just couldn't resist. Between the Colossus baiting me with Her High Priestessness's hissy fit about African Bishops invading the ECUSA's turf and the Irish Elk keeping me apprised of the latest "U2charist," I'm in a decidedly waspish mood in re things theological.

In this spirit, then, I give you a Palie-Left reworking of the Nicene Creed:

The "Nice"-ene Creed

Just to be clear, We don’t believe in one God, necessarily,
but in whatever you feel comfortable calling “God,”
empowerer of heaven and earth,
facilitator of all that is, seen and unseen.

We believe in one Buddy, Jesus Christ,
the only Offspring of “God,”
(But only in the sense that he was a really righteous dude. Not physically, obviously),
Nurturing from Nurturing, Sharing from Sharing,
true Sensitivity from true Sensitivity,
begotten from our Collective Love.
We’re talking some serious karma here, people.
Through her/him all things are interpreted. We mean, What Would Jesus Do?
For us and for our self-esteem
s/he came from inside us:
by the power of our collective respect for all others,
s/he became incarnate from Mary, a pioneer of her day,
was made womyn/man,
had a very meaningful relationship with Mary Magdalene (not that there’s anything wrong with that)
and was active in all the progressive social justice activities of her/his day.
As you can imagine, s/he ran into trouble with Pontius Pilate, that symbol of violent dead white European male patriarchal hegemony;
s/he suffered death and was buried.

And that was pretty much it.

Oh, but didn’t we all learn a lot from her/him, though?

We believe in the Holy Spirit, which, as we mentioned, arises from all of Us,
and therefore is Us,
who is sometimes portrayed in “God” and the Offspring,
the easier for us to visualize things.
With the “God” and the Offspring s/he is worshiped and glorified.
S/He has informed the Prophets.
We believe in one holy (small-c) catholic and apostolic Church, except when
it has issues with our progressiveness.
We acknowledge one baptism, but pretty much think the idea of “sin”
is arbitrary, judgmental and ultimately not very psychologically healthy.
We look for meaningful and occasionally “edgy” ways to honor the remains
of the dead,
and hope to reduce our carbon footprint on the world to come. Amen.

Punch line: I'm laying it on a bit thick, of course, but I'm not really making up any of the basic theology.

UPDATE: Sure, why the hell not? Extremely creepy former New Joisey Guv James McGreevey plans to join the Episcopal priesthood.

Posted by Robert at May 2, 2007 01:35 PM | TrackBack

The picture accompanying the U2-charist article is what makes it. Classic.

And as for the creed, it is also appropriate/inappropriate in that today is the feast day of St. Athanasius. Let's hope he has a sense of humor.

But seriously, to me the Creed is the key. I don't know how a lot of people in the TEC hierarchy can recite it without crossing their fingers, given some of the things they've said.

Posted by: The Colossus at May 2, 2007 02:32 PM

As far as prayers go, how can anyone top these new ones from the Episcopal Church? (from Canterbury Tales blog):

"If Jesus walked the earth today, he would be a rapper."

"- The Rt. Rev. Catherine Roskam

"A powerful evangelism tool, developed at Trinity Church of Morrisania in the birthplace of Hip Hop, the South Bronx, The Hip Hop Prayer Book offers a means to worship that will draw in the young and speak to those not generally spoken to by the Church. Containing daily prayers, psalms, a variety of services (including a Eucharist), and a selection of bible stories all designed with the enlivening power of Hip Hop in mind, and prefaces by two bishops of the Episcopal Church and a wealth of contextualizing materials, The Hip Hop Prayer Book is designed for in personal worship and by church leaders looking for ways in which to broaden the reach of their congregation.

"Psalm 23 as adapted by Ryan Kearse

"The Lord is all that, I need for nothing.
He allows me to chill.
He keeps me from being heated
and allows me to breathe easy.
He guides my life so that
I can represent and give
shouts out in his Name.
And even though I walk through
the Hood of death,
I don't back down
for you have my back.
The fact that you have me covered
allows me to chill.
He provides me with back-up
in front of my player-haters
and I know that I am a baller
and life will be phat.
I fall back in the Lord's crib
for the rest of my life."

Google up hip hop mass to see a female bishop dancing in the street with her fellow rappers.

Posted by: Mrs. Peperium at May 2, 2007 02:57 PM

For "thy rod and thy staff they comfort me", though, I'd subsitute "Your pimp hand is strong, and you've got mad skillz with a Glock, so I'm chilling, homes" instead of their formulation ( "I don't back down for you have my back. The fact that you have me covered allows me to chill.")

I think mine hews a little closer to the text of the Septuagint, and the meaning of the original Hebrew.

Posted by: The Colossus at May 2, 2007 03:45 PM

I love that you were able to work in the word hegemony. Made me laugh.

Posted by: jen at May 2, 2007 04:14 PM

That's hillariously irreverent. But given the state of things, quite apt.

Posted by: beth at May 2, 2007 05:37 PM

Let's see, Catholics pick up a righteous and holy retired Episcopal bishop a month ago and the Episcopalians pick up McGreevey who wants to be a priest. The sad part is the TEC is probably pretty happy with that deal.

Posted by: Mike at May 2, 2007 07:35 PM

Posted by: Sarah at May 3, 2007 11:08 AM

Is there a betting pool on when McGreevey nails his first alterboy and an over/under when the related lawsuit is filed?


Posted by: Gmac at May 3, 2007 01:03 PM

No more spice she said dot
irie japan saaya*
But didnt Alia send you to abduct me? she asked dot

Posted by: rnshl at May 4, 2007 04:13 PM

Or as the Danes would translate it the Shoemaker of Jerusalem dot
free hwntai*
themselves in the Neckar and hear the solemn bells of

Posted by: jjrwp at May 5, 2007 06:43 AM

And at night so cloudless and so still! Not a voice of living
spot and in a most extraordinary waistcoat thus representing a

Posted by: ruoqd at May 6, 2007 05:23 AM