Ol' Fred Watch

Ol' Fred to Congress: Put Your Other White Meat Away, Son

Thompson on the pork-to-go cut n' run bill passed by Congress last week:

I’m puzzled there’s $283 million for dairy farmers in an emergency war-funding bill. But there’s also $74 million for peanut farmers so, I figured our soldiers are eating a lot of peanut butter sandwiches; they need more milk to wash them down with.

Hey, I’m trying to keep an open mind, here, okay?

But I also wondered why the bill gives $25 million to spinach producers. Our troops should certainly eat their vegetables, but unless it turns out that there’s a scientific basis for that Popeye spinach thing, I don’t get it.

I’m also trying to figure out what $400 million for rural schools has to do with the war — unless that money produces students smart enough to explain why this bill includes over three hundred thousand dollars for the widows of two ex-House members, and $80 million for low-income rent subsidies.

There’s a lot in the bill I don’t understand, but this sort of makes sense. There’s $50 million for repairs to the plant that supplies electrical power to the Capitol — where Congress works. To fund and win the war, Congress does need electricity at least to do its job.

Ah, I get it. This bill isn’t just about funding the war for democracy and freedom in Iraq. It’s a political statement. And it’s about buying enough votes with pork in order to make that statement. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing, if Congress did have its power cut off every once in a while.

Show of hands for those of you who remember the old Eddie Chiles mad-as-hell radio spots during the Carter Administration. Ol' Fred's sounding more like him all the time.