February 06, 2007

Beat Me, Hurt Me, Make Me Wear Made-Up Ties

This week the Maximum Leader came in for a tongue-lashing from Mrs. Peperium over a remark he had let fall about the shipment of oysters.

This (and perhaps a wee overdose of Clovis Sangrail) got me to wondering if I could goad the fabulous Mrs. P into subjecting me to a similar scolding. (Yes, this is the stuff of proper early middle-aged fantasy. Deal with it.) Therefore, I've come up with a few sentiments to test Mrs. P's blood pressure and self-control. Hopefully, one of them will prove to be the mot outré.

I've put the list below the fold. Bonus points if you can figure out which ones represent my real beliefs.

Are you ready?

Excellent! Let's have at it then:

Robbo Llama's Top Ten Chain-Pulling Nekulturny Pronouncements:

10. Hunt seat is uncomfortable, inconvenient and dangerous. A western saddle is much preferable.

9. Jane Austen was a closet lesbian.

8. Motor boats are better than sail. Canvas jockeys only call them "stink pots" out of jealousy.

7. P.G. Wodehouse was a closet lesbian.

6. Why waste your money on Champers when there's plenty of good quality American "sparkling wine" available?

5. Evelyn Waugh's constant attempts to prove himself more Catholic than the Pope get rayther tarsome after a while.

4. You want a G&T in February, have a G&T in February!

3. Roger Kimball's Future Daughter-in-Law may wind up marrying a mechanic from Reno.

2. Sure the Episcopal Church no longer has a moral compass, but we do it all for love! And in the end, isn't that all that counts?

1. Oysters are vile. Period.

Okay, Mrs. P, I'm ready!

UPDATE: Uh, oh...looks like I'm in for a beeting.

Posted by Robert at February 6, 2007 08:57 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Oy! I shall avert my eyes...

Posted by: The Maximum Leader at February 6, 2007 11:43 AM

That's hilarious!

Posted by: Card's wife at February 6, 2007 12:13 PM

You've sure got the goods on Austen and Wodehouse. Although I must disagree with you on oysters. But all in all, I must lift a rather large G&T to you...and it's zero outside. Cheers!

Oh...and here's hoping you get every bit the severe spanking from Mrs P that I received from Mrs C. Delightful! And by the way my dear, may I have another?

Posted by: Card at February 6, 2007 07:12 PM

My guesses as to Robbo real views: 10, 5, 4 and 1.

10 because I've actually heard Mrs. P denigrate anything short of an English saddle. (No bedroom jokes, please)

5 because Waugh always tends to get under the skin of Epsicopalians, however faithful. A chat with Basil Seal last Saturday convinced me that this is more because Episcopalians are American than because they are Episcopalians.

4 because Mrs. P is a stickler for only wearing white after the third Wednesday before Candlemas or whatever it is. Ditto for white liquor.

and 1 because you've always struck me as a reasonable, clear-sighted sort of person who can tell when the thing on his plate resembles nothing so much as the hacked-up snot-plug from the nasal passages of a diseased sheep.

So, how'd I do?

Posted by: Mr. Peperium at February 6, 2007 09:53 PM

Impressive, Mr. P.

As a matter of fact, only 5 and 1. I rode hunt seat in my yoot and have always been a perfect snob about drinks (except that I move the opening of the summer season up from Memorial Day to Derby Day).

I have no trouble with Mr. Woo's beliefs a'tall. But (as is often the case with converts, I believe) he does get carried away from time to time in airing them. This is a matter of presentation, not substance.

As for oysters, well, I can't bear 'em. Same with clams and mussels. However, give me some lobster or shrimp and room to swing my elbows, and I'm in hog heaven!

Posted by: Robbo the LB at February 7, 2007 09:05 AM