The proper quantum of Hate present in the academic job interview

"Chip" and the Crack Young Staff at the HateMongers Quarterly deconstruct the academic job hiring process.

This was just the Sunday evening laugh I needed, as I just finished an hour on the phone with a colleague who is on sabbatical this year that I was updating on the search our department is running that I'm chairing.

I've been on probably a dozen search committees before this year, and right now I'm on three, including the one I'm heading up. Some things to think about if you are applying for academic jobs:

1. DON'T annoy the search chair with lots of emails. If you need to email the chair, it's best to put it together into one all-inclusive email. Lots of follow-up emails, whether insincere or inquisitive, get you remembered---but not in the good way. The first read through of the pile is to create the "Dead List" and the easiest way to get on the dead list (other than not having finished your PhD yet) is to come across as someone who is going to be difficult to work with.

2. Don't send your materials electronically unless the ad says specifically to do so--that's my laser printer's cartridge your burning because you felt the need to send in five dissertation chapters. Don't be that guy.

3. FINISH your dissertation. Be on enough academic search committees and you get more "I really will defend the thesis this coming spring, honestly!" promises of reformed life than a street corner preacher handing out dispensations together bleach and clean needles by a shooting gallery. FINISH your dissertation.