August 04, 2006
Fresh yips from the Tasty Bits Mail Sack (TM)
Reader Matt emails in concerning our item about Matt Damon being selected to take the helm as James Tiberius Kirk in Star Trex XI:
Damon as Kirk is bad enough... Affleck as Spock would give me just cause to take hostages. The only thing "worse" than Affleck as Spock would be Jeffrey Combs as Spock as one of the IMdBers suggeseted... HORRIBLE idea...ideas, really... This whole franchise is in deep doo-doo...And it really isn't that hard to figure out how to fix it...stop trying
to be "new" and "different"... Star Trek is what it is...
I think we need to embrace the reality that this is going to happen, and therefore organize to make the inevitable badness be really, really bad.
How bad?
Well, yesterday I had suggested the natural casting of Ben Affleck as Spock, mainly because Affleck's emotional acting range basically is Vulcan anyways. But where else could this go?
I'm thinking along these lines:
STar TreK XI: Maybe Trekkies are so stupid they'll give us lots of money
Ensign Sulu.........B.D. Wong
Mr. Chekov.........Alan Rickman
Lt. Uhura............Jennifer Lopez
Mr. Scott............LL Cool J
Dr. McCoy..........Nick Nolte
Nurse Chapell....Gwyneth Paltrow
Lt. Worf.............O.J. Simpson
Yes, I realize Worf was in TNG, but come on, think of the dynamic juxtaposition! Plus, I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Yes, Steve-O, all well and good: but didn't O.J., like, sever his wife's head?" And I would say, "Well, yes, he did, but see he's a Klingon and it would've counted as an honor killing in his society, and if you've got a problem with that, it's because you're an Imperializing racist. And, it's not like he's an anti-Semite or something."
Anyhoo, a movie like this can't really find it's full level of suckage without good villains, and so here I'm thinking something like this:
Romulan Chancellor........Nathan LaneKlingon Neocon Zionist Admiral...Kurt Russell
And the capper would be of course bringing back Khan:
Khan...............Christopher Walken
The trick would be to place Khan on planet Halliburton...
FURTHER CASTING IDEAS:
You could get some Greek Chorus action from
David SpadePauly Shore
as animated Tribbles "Rosenkrantz" and "Guildenstern."
Oh...the horrors...
My initial suggestion for Khan was Lawrence Fishburne because Samuel L. Jackson would have turned them down...but Christopher Walken works for me...
You're right, we have to embrace this like the conservative movement has come around on that whole "comprehensive" immigration plan...
A note on Alan Rickman...he's already played Spock once before...in GalaxyQuest...the greatest Star Trek movie ever made...at least the most realistic... "Give him a hand, he's British..." Heh. Indeed.
Nolte as "Bones" would be pretty darned entertaining if ya ask me... Might as well consider Mel Gibson as a back up though...
Say, this cast is getting quiet expensive...too bad the end result would still be utterly craptacular...
Posted by: Matt Hurley at August 4, 2006 11:05 AM"Craptacular" is EXACTLY what I was striving for...
Plus, with the exception of Walken, these are all "stars" on their way down, so money shouldn't be an issue.
Why exclude Pauly Shore?
Posted by: Leopold Stotch at August 4, 2006 12:06 PMI think Yahoo Serious should be Lt. Uhura.
Posted by: LB Buddy at August 4, 2006 01:18 PMI'll only watch if they cast Carrot Top as all of the Ensigns Expendable. They could do sort of a Kenny-of-South-Park riff, with EE being killed off in every scene in increasingly gory and improbable ways.
Yeah, I'd pay to see that. Not any $7, but I'd pay.
Posted by: McGehee at August 4, 2006 03:16 PMI think I'm stuck with visions of Worf involved in the Great Tribble Hunt for the rest of the day.
Posted by: Owlish at August 5, 2006 12:01 PM"Craptacular": I freaking LOVE that! 8^D
I love the Bourne flix (The Bourne Ultimatum is due in 2007), but I just don't think Matt has the Right Stuff to command the Enterprise.
Posted by: Hucbald at August 7, 2006 12:13 AM
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