Note to Splenda et al.

Dear makers of Splenda bags, cheese packages, beef jerky sacks and lunch meat diddies:

We the Public are wise to you, and we are sick and tired of your lies.

That thing that you advertise as re-sealable zips, don't seal (much less "re-seal"). They have no function, other than lending the image of re-sealbility to your products. We've figured it out.

Never once have I found a built-in zip that worked! I could employ whole platoons of dexterous-fingered gamers, self-abusers, violinists and brain surgeons, yet I guarantee that not a single one of them will have the skill to make your "re-sealable" baggies stay closed. Not even Jackie Chan working elbow to elbow with Lou Ferrigno could zip your alleged "freshness locks."

Admit it! You have no clue about making re-sealable zips because you've invented the "faux-zip." The patented faux-zip technology looks like a real zip, but costs less to produce because you only need a hatful of marmosets to make them.

Another thing you've mastered in reverse, is the easy-open tab. Your tabs do only two things:

1. They won't tear at all, so I have to get a scissor
   
2. They rip off at one corner only, so I have to get a scissor

Congratulations to me! I now have three scissors in my kitchen thanks to easy-open tabs.

Please just stop. Stop making hyper-active claims of fresh re-sealing, and bring back the friendly scissor icon with the dotted line.

Thank you,
Chai-Rista