June 30, 2006

How Do You Solve A Problem Like The Balrog?

It seems as if The Lord of the Rings: The Musical is being yanked prematurely from its run in Toronto, to be sent back to the drawing board. The producers blame low-brow North Amurican audiences and snarky press critics for the show's failure.

Well, good luck with v. 2.0! In the spirit, might I suggest to the producers that they add in this little ditty:


What do the Elvin folk do
To help them escape when they're blue?
The Noldo who is ailing, the Green Elf who is glum
Feanor when he's wailing from nailing his thumb
When they're beset and besieged
The folk not Mandos obliged
However do they manage to shed their weary lot?
Oh, what do Elvin folk do we do not?


We have been informed by thoses who knowes them well
They find relief in quite a clever way
When they're ssssssssorely pressed, they whistle for a spell
And whistling seems to brighten up their day
And that's what Elvish folk do
Sssssso they say


They whistle?


Ssssssssso they say. Terrible Elves with bright eyessss!


Well what do the Dwarvish folk do
To pluck up the heart and get through?
The Khazad and the stone folk
Who wander to and fro
Have ways known to their own folk
We wicked folk don't know
When all the mithril's gone
What keeps each of them in his skin?
What ancient native custom provides the needed glow?
Oh, what do Dwarvish folk do?
Do you know?


Once, upon the road, we came upon a lad
Ssssssinging in a voice three times his size
When we asked him whysies, he told us he was sssssssad
And singing always made his spirits rise
And that's what Dwarvish folk do
We sssssssurmise


They sing?


We sssssurmises. What's sssssurmises, Precious?


Arise, Nazgul, arise, Nazgul
Gorgoroth's lighting the skies, Nazgul
Morgul shinesssss with death
And daffodils whither away
Hear Sauron call to one and all
And flee delight while you may
The world is bright and all's not right
Till life's no longer merry and gay


What do the Hobbit folk do?
They must have a system or two
They obviously outshine us at hiding precious trinkets
And tricks the Dark Lord is minus from birth
What, then, I wonder, do they
To chase all the goblins away?
They have some tribal sorcery you haven't mentioned yet
Oh, what do Hobbit folk do to forget?


Often, we have found, they take a nassssssty stance
And tell Preciiiioussss to take us completely in control
Ssssssoon our minds is blank and oh, we're in a trance
A violent trance astounding to behold
And that's what Hobbit folk do
Ssssssso we're told


They trance?


We have found

(they dance)


What do the Uruk-Hai do
To help them escape when they're blue?


They sit around and wonder what Ssssaruman would do
And that's what Uruk-Hai do


Oh, no, really?


We hasssss it on the best authority.


Yes, that's what the Uruk-Hai doooooooooo!

We'll talk royalties later.

Posted by Robert at June 30, 2006 02:42 PM | TrackBack

Excellent. I was thinking "I Wonder What the Ring Is Doing Tonight?" or perhaps "We're Off to See The Dark Lord!"

Posted by: The Colossus at June 30, 2006 03:00 PM

I'm also working on "I Just Met A Girl Named Eeee-owyn!"

Posted by: Robbo the LB at June 30, 2006 03:04 PM

I think we need recordings to get the full picture though :)

You could always include "If I was an Elf-Lord"

Posted by: beth at June 30, 2006 04:42 PM

The important part is: does the Balrog in the musical have wings or no?

The whole musical will fly or fall (no pun intended) on how they handle this very important aspect. We cannot countenance heretics.

Posted by: Muslihoon at July 2, 2006 12:16 PM