Han and Mal kill each other in simultaneous shots. Chewie eats Leia as he has been wanting to do since Episode IV. Zoe and Inara kiss to console each other and cheap porn music begins to play in the background...

The real bad guys show up just as Han and Mal are busy beating the crap out of each other. All four take cover behind the bar as a firefight breaks out. Leia and Inara have to rescue the lot of them.

Actually, you could do a whole series of Ho'od wins.
Han vs. Mal - Push
Inara vs. Princess Leia - Inara
Chewie vs. Jayne - Chewie
Obi Wan vs. Shepherd Book - Obi Wan
C3PO vs. Simon - 3PO
R2D2 vs. Kaylee - Kaylee

and the Serenity crew still has Zoe, Wash and River. I'd have to give this to Serenity.

Off topic, but what's up with those Orgles? I got the same trackback pings on my blog...more spam or something?

Greedo shows up with The Operative of the Parliament who get the drop on Mal and Han. Chewie takes a blast to the chest while Leia and Inara decide they are going to sit this out and start braiding each other's hair. Simon loses control of his bodily functions which causes Kaylee to freeze up. River shows up, takes Kaylee's gun and zaps Greedo who just winged Han. She throws a saber to The Operative, they both put their firearms down, and we finally find out if River's "conditioning for combat" is better than The Operative's samurai training.

I'd just like to add that you're all HUGE DORKS.

(PS - Mal kicks Han's ass, Zoe shoots Leia between the eyes, and Chewie and Inara kiss to console each other and cheap porn music begins to play in the background...)

There Bill goes with his Furry fetish again...

Mal shoots Han first, Chewie rips Mal and Zoe's heads off. Nobody wins this sort of thing.

Chewie and Inara kiss to console each other and cheap porn music begins to play in the background

Okay, that's better.

Obvious, innit? Han and Mal both draw and shoot each other dead. Then Lucas re-edits so that Han doesn't shoot before being shot at, so just Han is shot dead.

Mal and the gang are sort of expert at the bar fight. If you cheat and allow River to pull what she did in Serenity (the movie, not the episode), then she tips the scales (of course, she might be the only survivor in the whole damn bar). I would think that the most likely scenario would have the Star Wars' folk selling out Leia immediately and trying to get on Inara's docket.

I hardly even think that being called a geek is all that derogatory (implying some sort of knowledge and skill and all--albeit often in obscure areas), but can we tolerate people calling people dorks? Oh, wait a minute. Where am I? OK, never mind.