May 22, 2006

XXIV Predictions

What will happen on this week's exciting conclusion to XXIV?

Click-clacking noise of sand dropping in an hourglass, as the shadow herky-jerks across a sundial

That crazy wench Livia will finally succeed in offing the Lord God Augustus; I'm betting that it will involve figs;

Sejanus will look absolutely disco in his curly Mike Brady wig---make it so, Number One, indeed!

The Kell-Kell-Kell-Celts are going to get their oak-tree worshiping butts kicked by new fan-fave Emperor Claudius.

Seriously, though, the big question on tonight's show will be confronting perhaps the last great taboo on newtork television: the assassination of a sitting U.S. President, with the President being the villain (or villainous) and the assassin being the hero (or at least the sorta-hero). Searching my pop culture memory banks I couldn't think of that scenario occuring before.

24 jack bauer llama.jpg

So here goes nothing:

1. President Logan has turned out to be an absolutely compelling character. Greg Itzkin is a great actor who has certainly come up the hard way---for goodness sakes the first thing listed in his extensive acting-ography is "man #2" on Mork and Mindy, followed by "waiter" on Charlie's Angels. Since then, he's been a bit part in every tee-vee show you could name---he's kind of a character actor's version of Kevin Bacon, giving you that easy seguay between the A-Team and Party of Five, between all your Star Trek spinoffs (including a classic bit as a psycho admiral in the evil parallel universe) to Who's the Boss, via McGuyver. And anyone who can list 21 Jump Street, Hunter, Matlock, Picket Fences, Judging Amy and CSI knows a thing or too about protecting and defending the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. He's a great villain, almost in a Lear as weasel sort of way, but like all good villains, he's going to die in an appropriate manner. I'm betting via poisoned fig newtons.

It's been a bad season for tee-vee presidents (with President Bartlett shipped off to a cranky retirement in New Hampster to deal with the very public divorce of his crack whore son; President Santos lasting what, 25 minutes in office; President Thelma getting sent back to Connecticut even before sweeps started; and the weirdo president in the Prison Break show to be capped off suddenly, leaving us with the cranky psycho wife from 30 Something as president, which there should be a rule against, because that would leave that total loser Elliot as First Ex-Husband or something, which would be embarassing as he was already downstairs in the West Wing knocking boots with Saint C.J. Craig, plus then you'd get Hope and Michael over for a very special Christmas Episode(TM) of El Ala oeste de la Casablanca (as the Malkinites now call it) which would feature shots of them standing on the Truman Balcony and Lafayette Square, looking up at the snow falling interspersing with death and destruction being unleashed from the sky by the administration's relentless pursuit of ooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllllll while the Harlem Boy's Choir sings Silent Night.

Needless to say, I'd watch the whole damn thing.

2. And what of Martha Logan, the First Lady who almost got greased by the shaky-handed Sekrit Service lad sent to drop Aaron in the trunk of the Presidential Limo?

Let's just say there will be an unexplained hit and run involving a hijacked cement mixer driven by a rather tired yet quite wired guy shouting into a PDA and carrying a fetching manpurse plowing over Rosie O'Donnell, leaving the widowed Mrs. Logan as the new fourth host on The View, replacing Meredith Vieria so she could take the place of French nooz babe and all around hottie Melissa Theuriau, who takes over the center chair at the CBS Evening Nooz. (Come on, it's my alternative universe, give me some leeway).

3. Whither Henderson?

Henderson will live until another day, because he's a great villain and an equal but opposite Jack, until we discover he's actually "future Jack" sent back in time by Jack's evil self in the year 2016 to wreak havoc and destruction when the AARP rejects his membership for questions of "taste"---you can never trust those marketing weasels over at AARP, that's for darn tootin' sure!

4. Audrey?

Dropped in one of Saddam's human people shredders. And there was much rejoicing.

At the end, "Mr. Big" "Graham" will turn to a viewing screen, where he will bow down before his ">alien overlords, who will say:

John Bigboote: We've had our chance! We're lost!
Lord John Whorfin: One more word out of you, Bigbooty...
John Bigboote: [screaming] BIG-BOO-TAY! TAY! TAY!
[Whorfin shoots him]
Lord John Whorfin: So you won. So what. Beeeeg deal......

Later, I might do the grand unification theory linking 24/The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai/Commander in Chief, showing that the real threat this entire season has been from Geena Davis....

5. END OF THE SHOW SHOCKER: Vice President Hal Gardner becomes President, but it turns out not only did he kill Laura Palmer he also killed David Palmer as well. Look for Jack to be foreced to team up with FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper next season, where they spend a frustrating day in pursuit of coffee in a strange small town.

And Ex(?) President Keeler is ALIVE!

Blogs 4 Bauer will of course be liveblogging, and we're hoping that Dave Barry will continue his tradition of livedrunkblogging it.

UPDATE: Dorkafork dials up with his Jack Bauer in Time series--the "I've tortured Jo Ann Whorley" bit was priceless.

Posted by Steve at May 22, 2006 09:08 AM | TrackBack

I'm wondering whether to put this post in the "Llamas-Googlechumming" file or the "Llamas-Testor's" file.

Posted by: The Colossus at May 22, 2006 09:53 AM

There's a difference?

You're just snippy because there's no Templar Knights references...

Posted by: Steve the LLamabutcher at May 22, 2006 10:12 AM

You mean Jack Bauer, last of the Knights Templar, direct descendant (on his mother's side) of the holy bloodline of Mary Magdalene and Jesus Christ, heir to the throne of France once the Merovingian restoration is complete, and Berkeley English major (where he was an expert in Jacques Derrida-style deconstruction of any text foolish enough to get in his way)? That Jack Bauer?

Posted by: The Colossus at May 22, 2006 12:08 PM