Chloe, I need you to find Audrey, and download the entire U.S. Reports series to my PDA, now! Protocols be damned!

What if Jack Bauer were Chief Justice during Marbury v. Madison?

The following takes place between 18:02 and 18:03

JACK BAUER: Secretary Madison, millions of people are going to die unless you act. I cannot let you go through with this---where is the commission?

[holds large flintlock handgun to Dolley's head, chambers a round]

I'm giving you one more chance here---the British will burn Washington TO. THE. GROUND. TONIGHT! unless you tell me where is Marbury's commission?

JAMES HEMMINGS: Jack, come on, man, waste the bitch!

[screen cuts into four, as clock counts down, showing a pensive President Thomas Jefferson, standing obscured in the shadows by the window at Monticello; a poised Dolley Madison, pleading with her eyes to weasely James as a single droplet of sweat rolls down her cheek to the low neckline of her empire-cut dress; a frazzled James Hemmings running through the brambles south of the Potomac, being chased by a pack of dogs with a sinister Aaron Burr at their head; and a stagecoach crashing through the streets of Georgetown, as a lusty and busty Audrey Raines races to deliver the commission to her father William Marbury at the Piggly-Wiggly on the corner of Wisconisn and 32nd in Georgetown]

UPDATE: Here's your weekly review from the dudes at Right Wing Nut House. And, of course, Dave Barry, as only Dave Barry can do.

Is it just me or has Dave Barry gotten funny again now that he's blogging?