February 17, 2006
Dick versus Jack
Okay, here's your double elimination constitutional snowboard cross final:
Dick Cheney versus Jack Bauer
With Lee Van Cleef as the referee, of course.
Now, this won't be a prissy pussy affair involving dueling pistols, waistcoats, and seconds: I'm thinking 5000 acres of prime Nevada desert filled with rattlesnakes, scorpions, and Mexican banditos and some pissed off Apaches (and maybe a crashed alien space ship or two). Cheney gets a tricked out Ford Explorer with a minifridge and a high-powered rifle, and Jack Bauer gets his usual pocketknife, dead cell phone, zippo lighter, and a 3 day stubble.
Bets on the outcome? I'm smelling 24 season and series ender here.
UPDATE: Okay, now I'm thinking team action:
Dick Cheney and Aaron Burrversus
Jack Bauer and the ghost of Bruce Lee
UPDATE: OKAY, the people have spoken, and they want Jack Bauer and Cheney on the same team.What about this match-up for Vice-Presidential Manhunter:
Dick Cheney and Jack Bauerversus
Captain Kirk and the ghost of Bruce Lee
Kirk doesn't get a phaser or anything, but he does get to use that Federation-approved Kirk Kwon Doh style of hands-clasped over the head "V" punch to the upper torso, guaranteeing a knockdown.
Posted by Steve at February 17, 2006 12:33 PM | TrackBack
I'm sorry, this is insane. What are you going to do once they meet, find that they pretty much agree on everything (torture, proportional response, preemptive action, etc.) and unite to save/conquer the world? Plus, it's not even fair: Jack is great and all, but Cheney is bionic(you don't think that's just a pacemaker, do you?)!
Nah, I'm thinking more along the lines of Dick and Jack vs. Shumer and Clark (Ramsey or Wes, take your pick) team action with the whole country as a playground. I imagine the bout will start with a mushroom cloud over NYC and just escalate from there.
Posted by: Terry at February 17, 2006 01:12 PMI'm thinkin' Jack gets a violent attack of paranoid neuroses from the referee's InstaDeathGlare[TM] and never quite recovers. Then again, I obviously watch too many spagh westerns and not enough 24.
Posted by: derringdo at February 17, 2006 01:35 PMIt depends. How recently have the protocols been changed?
Posted by: The Colossus at February 17, 2006 02:29 PMSee, Jack teams up with The Professor from Gilligan's Island, who constructs a radio from some bailing wire, an orange peel, and a couple of coconuts. After getting in touch with CTU (by keeping Division out of the loop) they do some data mining, and find out the correct answer is "42".
Of course, you're see the improbablity factor here; How the heck did The Professor find a couple of loose coconuts in the middle of the Nevada desert?
Posted by: Steve the LLamabutcher at February 17, 2006 02:32 PMThey were carried . . . by a swallow.
Posted by: The Colossus at February 17, 2006 02:38 PMAfrican or European?
And I'd go with Bauer. Simply because he's Karl Rove's right hand man.
This would be the Irresistable Force meeting the Immovable Object. It would result in a disruption in the space time continium, and the resultant destruction of the known universe.
It would be a very bad thing.
Of course, If Dick and Jack were on the same team, then they would, of course, eventually control the known universe.
Which might be a bad thing, too.
Oh, lets do see, shall we?
Durand
Posted by: durand at February 17, 2006 03:21 PMChuck Norris would kill them all with his laugh. Then he would roundhouse kick Nevada killing the entire state.
Posted by: LB buddy at February 17, 2006 06:07 PMDick Cheney & "The Man With No Name" (High Plains Drifter)
vs.
Mad Max & Jack Bauer
This is fun!
Posted by: nuthin2seehere at February 18, 2006 04:43 AMDick Cheney and Khan
versus
Captain Kirk and the ghost of Bruce Lee
and Chuck Norris would be hogtied in Dick's trunk, wearing a Dorothy Oz gingham dress, with a fresh property of the naval observatory brand on his arse.
Posted by: Steve the LLamabutcher at February 18, 2006 11:07 AM
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