October 12, 2004

Middle Earth Conspiracy Theories

Fellowship 9/11 . Mike "Bill Ferny's Bitch"* Moore takes a look inside the Aragorn Administration to try and determine who really was responsible for the senseless carnage that was the West's response to the attack at Helm's Deep and why.

Leather Penguin says "Strider Lied, Orcs Died."

Rob of Say Anything pins it all on Gandalf.

Dr. Rusty, from whom I lifted the links, thinks Bilbo is the puppet-master behind Gondor's aggressive foreign policy.

Me, I think they're all getting confused by red herrings. The real power at work here obviously is Treebeard. Think about it. First, the Ents are very old-money conservatives. So they're completely calloused to the horrors of war among elves, men and orcs. Second, Treebeard quite plainly stated that he wasn't on anybody's side - which means he had no problem whatsoever manipulating everyone else for his own purposes. Third, the Ents had their own designs of conquest. All that hooey about wishing to look for the Entwives is a romantic fabrication to cover their territorial ambitions. Again, Treebeard said something to the hobbits about the size of the primeval forest in the Good Old Days. Elrond said something like that, too.

So what better way to get rid of the two main sources of orcs (and axes) that stood in their way than to hustle gullible men into attacking Isengard and Mordor?

Saruman, of all people, was on to them. Remember what he said at the parley at Orthanc about the wild wood demons and how one fine morning Theoden would wake up with a forest in front of his house?* Never mind the Huorns - Once Aragorn and his allies exhausted themselves taking down Saruman and Sauron, Treebeard would be able to mop up the surviving Eorlingas and Gondorians with a squad of rhododenron.

Truth is, Treebeard, wasn't that much different than Old Man Willow.* He was simply better at covering it up and presenting a lovable, folksy image to the world. Sound familiar?

(*If you have to ask, read the damn book.)

Posted by Robert at October 12, 2004 05:29 PM | TrackBack

Man, that LOTR spoof is like porn for you nerds, ain't it?

Posted by: Bill from INDC at October 12, 2004 06:06 PM

I was chuckling at my LOTR nerdiness and then saw Bill's comment. Too funny.

Up until last year, I would have scratched my head in utter confusion at this post. Now that I've read the books, I read with glee.

I Am A LOTR Nerd.

Posted by: jen at October 12, 2004 11:24 PM

I openly confess to being a LOTR nerd as well. But to depart a bit from this whole LOTR parody, which is quite funny, you know what I find hard to comprehend? Far-left, Chomsky/Moore types who are also LOTR nerds. I've actually known people like this, and I can't understand it at all. LOTR is all about fighting for what you believe in, fighting for good against evil. Wishing for peace doesn't bring peace, sometimes only savage war that utterly defeats the enemy can do that. It's really a very hawkish book (as if the massive battles don't make that obvious). I realize it's a work of fantasy, but it's not hard to find real-world parallels. I really can't understand the appeal of LOTR for people who, if they were in the shoes of Gandalf, Aragorn, Theoden et al, would decide to hold a summit with Saruman and Sauron and the leaders of the orcs and Uruk-hai so that they could all discuss their differences.

Posted by: Nicole Griffin at October 12, 2004 11:57 PM
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