The Monday Morning Roundup

What the hell is the deal with the Heinz-Kerry family? I'll say this (which should not be construed as defeatism or panic or predictions of doom): if my predictions are wrong, at least we'll have four years of being able to tear these people into tiny little pieces and then feed them to the eels.

Case in point, Chris Heinz-Kerry. Gordon pours ketchup into the wounds of this young lad who's a bit peeved that what's keeping daddakins out of the White House is those nasty Joooooooooooooooz. What a turd this kid is. I think the appropriate remedy would be getting 3000 copies of A Republic not an Empire into a tree mulcher, feed the noxious scraps into a giant soft serve ice cream machine, and duct-tape his mouth to the machine's spout till he eats the whole damn thing, every drop.

Ace has a useful guide for those few undecideds out there, indicating whether you should be a Bush or Kerry supporter. Highlights include:

EIGHTH GRADE ROCK ANTHEM

BUSH: Destroyer, aka "Paranoia," by The Kinks
KERRY: Foolish Heart, Journey, or Steve Perry, whoever the hell is responsible for that abortion

MINOR CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS

BUSH: George Thoroughgood and at least two (2) of the Delaware Destroyers
KERRY: All six actors who played Rum-Tum-Tumbler in Cats (plus their understudies and the entirety of the hair & make-up people and costumers)

REPRESENTATIVE LYRIC FROM "SPINAL TAP"

BUSH: My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/I wanna sink her with my pink torpedo
KERRY: Listen! (shhhhhh...!) to what the Flower People say ah-AH-ahhh-AAHH-Ahhh

COMIC SUPPORTERS

BUSH: Dennis Miller, Larry Miller, Drew Carey, Colin Quinn
KERRY: Margaret Cho, Al Franken, Jeneane Garofalo, "Balky" from Perfect Strangers

Read the whole thing.

Bill has plenty of analysis of the "director's cut" of the bin Laden video, which includes his long rantings against the setbacks dealt to him by the Amerikans and his bitterness at the Bush family. Interesting.

Shock of the morning so far is the endorsement of Dubya by the.....wait for it.....wait for it........Hartford Courant. The Courant, as long time Connecticutians know, was a conservative newspaper back in the day, and by the day I mean back when they got busted on by President Jefferson for their snide and vicious federalist bent. Since then, not so much. So this is a surprise.