September 27, 2004


***Llama Exclusive!*** ***Must Credit Llamas!***

Earlier today, INDC Bill made this categorical assertion: And I have never claimed to be a "30 foot pile of ham sammiches."

As those following the RatherGate controversy know, Bill has recently catapulted to the top rank of political bloggers and can rightly claim Dan Rather's scalp for his own as much as anyone else can. Bill's meteoric rise is indeed to be congratulated. But at the same time, if he has taught us any lesson from this episode, it is to constantly ask the ageless question: Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Bearing this in mind and sensing something rather fishy about the above quote, this Llama decided to do some independant investigation. My first step was to pick up the phone and call Bill's Mom. Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Llama: Um, Bill's Mom? Don't hang up, but I'm a Llama and I'm trying to determine whether your son has ever claimed to be a 30 foot stack of ham sammiches.

Bill's Mom: Wha-? Goddamit, Ed, there's another one o' them weirdo punks on th' phone!

Voice in Background: I'll git the flyspray! Meb' we can a-poison him over t'line!

I hung up at this point, as my investigation had already uncovered an important clue: As you can see from the transcript, Bill's Mom never answered the question! I began to smell cover-up and denial.

Sensing that Bill's smooth-fronted facade was beginning to develop some cracks, I made some further inquiries. A quick Google search revealed the name of a certain Annie "Ann" Jones who was a classmate of Bill's in college. I called her to pose the same question. Here is a transcript of her reply, edited to delete some initial confusion over whether I was selling porno magazine subscriptions:

Well, I don't remember that he claimed the sandwich part. But he did always insist that he had a 30 inch "kielbasa." Man, I can tell you that guy had some serious delusions about himself. It was kinda sad, in a way.

Seizing on that telltale word "delusions," I plugged it into my online dictionary and got this result:

de·lu·sion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-lzhn) n.

1. a. The act or process of deluding.
b. The state of being deluded.
2. A false belief or opinion: labored under the delusion that success was at hand.
3. Psychiatry. A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness: delusions of persecution.

Bingo! A well-documented medical condition and an eye-witness.

In order to be thorough, I did some additional research on the subject of ham sandwiches-related claims. I spoke to Dr. Ima Pseudonym of the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople, a recognized expert in the area of sandwich engineering and lunch-food based mental illnesses. Here are the relevant portions of our conversation. (N.B., I transcribe this roughly, as I feel it's important to get the story out fast.)

Llama: Doctor, would it be possible to construct a 30 foot stack of sandwiches?

I.P.: Vat kind?

Llama: Ham, for instance.

I.P.: Well I really tink dot depends on how tick you zlice it. If you get der really tick zlices, you can make der pretty large stack - assuming, of course, dot you are able to put ze larger pieces towards der bottom und der smaller ones up top.

Llama: How about the bread?

I.P.: Ja. It vould be ezzential to use a kind dot does not get too zoggy ven it gets moistened. Pumpernickel, for example.


Llama: would it be possible for a person to BE a thirty foot stack of ham sandwiches?

I.P.: Vell, no. Dot ist not somezink dot could happen. But over der course of years I have seen unt read of many cases of people who TINK dey are der sandwiches.

Llama: Indeed.

I.P.: Ja! It ist really very interestink. You see, I hof noted a direct corrolation between der depth of delusion in der subject und der height of der sandvich ze zink zemselves to be. I haf developed ein scale to track zis - der Pseudonym-Sandvich-Grandeur Scale. Zo, for example, a PSG-1 rating vould be a mild delusion, somevon who might tink ze ver a simple turkey club. PSG-5 vould cover, say, a zix-foot hero. And zo on.

Llama: What about the 30 foot hammerstack we spoke of earlier?

I.P: Ach! Der subject vould be a total loon!

Llama: And what are they external symptoms of this condition?

I.P.: Vell, dot ist der other interestink ting. Typically, people zuffering from zis delusion go to great lengths to DENY it. For example, you und I vould not even tink to bring up ze possibility of being a stack of zandviches in ordinary converzation. On ze ozzer hand, those suffering from zis condition feel an overvelming need to assert zat zey are NOT doing zo. I belief dot somever in zer minds ze are aware of zer zickness und this ist und attempt to cry out for help.

Llama: That's kinda weird.

I.P.: Ja! You aren't vistling "Dixie", boychick! But remember - zees volks ist loco!

Llama: Very interesting. Thank you, Doctor.

Summing up these findings leads to certain inescapeable conclusions about Bill's hammiches non-claim:

1. Sources very close to Bill categorically refuse to directly answer questions that would prove or deny the veracity of his original statement.

2. Other sources reveal Bill's long-standing history of meat-related pyschiatric issues - issues that Bill failed to disclose at any time prior to making his hammich statement.

3. The recognized leading expert in the field - without any prompting from this Llama - described and diagnosed Bill's otherwise inexplicable statement with textbook precision.

Given these startling revelations, we Llamas have some serious doubts about whether Bill deserves to keep the crown he so recently usurped from Dan Rather. We are not here accusing INDC Journal of any kind of conscious skulduggery or any effort to manipulate its reporting in order to serve its own ends. Instead, we believe this episode reveals that Bill has some serious pork-related issues to contend with, issues that might very well cloud his judgment.

We also have to ask how far back this problem goes and how it has affected his writing to date. Do Bill's past accusations that Reynolds was ignoring him have anything to do with Glenn's possible penchant for pork chops? Does Bill's systematic damnation of the Wonkette have anything to do with bacon? And is Bill looking across the Blogsphere at us Llamas and thinking "Hmm....the other other white meat!"?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Posted by Robert at September 27, 2004 12:31 PM | TrackBack

I thought about linking this, but i'm not sure that I could even set it up with a proper explanation. You're fucking insane. Funny, sure, uncool, definitely. Sane? No.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at September 27, 2004 01:37 PM
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