September 21, 2004

Sorry to ruin your morning java

But this is an exercise in grand delusion---Michael Moore's latest letter to his friends. Unlike CBS, I didn't make this up:


Dear Friends,

Enough of the handwringing! Enough of the doomsaying! Do I have to come there and personally calm you down? Stop with all the defeatism, OK? Bush IS a goner -- IF we all just quit our whining and bellyaching and stop shaking like a bunch of nervous ninnies. Geez, this is embarrassing! The Republicans are laughing at us. Do you ever see them cry, "Oh, it's all over! We are finished! Bush can't win! Waaaaaa!"

Well, fatty, yes we are and no, we don't go crying to our mommies when the attacks come. Unlike the French, we fight back.

Hell no. It's never over for them until the last ballot is shredded. They are never finished -- they just keeping moving forward like sharks that never sleep, always pushing, pulling, kicking, blocking, lying.

I truly love the theme that Democrats have convinced themselves they are the party of virtue incapable of any dirty tricks. It's a wonderful delusion. It's just not true: of course they fight dirty. Their problem is that other than Team Clinton (and by this I mean the Boss himself and not his proxies) they don't know how to do it well. LBJ and old man Kennedy would be pissed to see how lame the Democrats have gotten in this the electoral tactic they invented and perfected.

They are relentless and that is why we secretly admire them -- they just simply never, ever give up. Only 30% of the country calls itself "Republican," yet the Republicans own it all -- the White House, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court and the majority of the governorships. How do you think they've been able to pull that off considering they are a minority? It's because they eat you and me and every other liberal for breakfast and then spend the rest of the day wreaking havoc on the planet.

Me, personally, I've never had roasted pig for breakfast--I'm much more of a Cheerios, skim milk and apple juice sort of guy myself. But thanks--I had a hunch your monomaniacal hatred of us was rooted in your secret love and admiration for us----Mikey Moore, closeted Republican? You know what they say about the most vicious homophobes being self-hating gays? Maybe the most vicious Republiphobes are driven by an intense rage that they can't understand that stems from a funny feeling in their pants every time they see Margaret Thatcher.

As for the majority/minority thing, part of what's driving the rage of the far left (other than their secret love that dare not speak its name) is that while Republicans are ascending into majority status, Democrats have fallen from that role. Think of it: basically for sixty years Democrats and Democrat-defined ideas and agendas controlled the House of Representatives and the Senate as well as the Supreme Court. They lost their grip on the presidency in 1968, and only have won ONE presidential election with more than 50% of the total vote since (in the freak election of 1976). Sure Bill Clinton won twice, but with 43% and 49% of the vote, and I think historians of American political development are going to mark him down as a centrist Republican anyway---I mean, what were his big legislative achievements? Free trade, welfare reform, balancing the budget by growing the economy (supply-side, anyone?) There has been a major realigning of the country ideologically since 1980, and the flavor of Donkeyism espoused by rabble like Mike Moore is on the way to the dustbin of history. The problem is, that the last part of their hegemony is finally crumbling---the control by the left of the major news media. It's like they've finally looked out the window from their palace and are seeing the trundle carrying their paladin Dan Rather off to the guillotine, which they've just noticed for the first time.

"But, but, but, how can this be happening? I mean, the NYT and the LA Times and CBS News and the BBC all said Bush was going to lose.......?

Look at us -- what a bunch of crybabies. Bush gets a bounce after his convention and you would have thought the Germans had run through Poland again. The Bushies are coming, the Bushies are coming! Yes, they caught Kerry asleep on the Swift Boat thing. Yes, they found the frequency in Dan Rather and ran with it. Suddenly it's like, "THE END IS NEAR! THE SKY IS FALLING!"

Get it? Poland, Germans, Bush is a NAZI!!!! Har! Har! Good one, Mike. Original.

But what's classic here is how the left is perceiving the Swift Vets, that their perception is even worse than ours: to use a sail-age navy metaphor, they hulled him. And the left knows it. And the dropping of Dan Rather to the wolves is priceless.

No, it is not. If I hear one more person tell me how lousy a candidate Kerry is and how he can't win... Dammit, of COURSE he's a lousy candidate -- he's a Democrat, for heavens sake! That party is so pathetic, they even lose the elections they win! What were you expecting, Bruce Springsteen heading up the ticket? Bruce would make a helluva president, but guys like him don't run -- and neither do you or I. People like Kerry run.

Get it----born to run? Heh, er, not. I like the admission that Kerry's a lousy candidate. Maybe all their fixture on the Republicans being so mean is really a way of talking about how lame they know they are?

Yes, OF COURSE any of us would have run a better, smarter, kick-ass campaign. Of course we would have smacked each and every one of those phony swifty boaty bastards down. But WE are not running for president -- Kerry is. So quit complaining and work with what we have. Oprah just gave 300 women a... Pontiac! Did you see any of them frowning and moaning and screaming, "Oh God, NOT a friggin' Pontiac!" Of course not, they were happy. The Pontiacs all had four wheels, an engine and a gas pedal. You want more than that, well, I can't help you. I had a Pontiac once and it lasted a good year. And it was a VERY good year.

And the message here is "John Kerry: he's no camaro, but I'm voting for him anyway, even though the wheels will fall off in a year?"

What Jumbo here needs to realize is that in politics, the motivating drive to put someone into office is much greater than the motivating drive to drive someone out of office. So, if you and your mob are jazzed up to drive Bush out, it will only work if we're luke warm about keeping Bush in. See election of 1992. In a year in which you are jazzed up to drive our guy out, and we're equally if not more motivated to keep our guy in, we're going to win. Even more so, in a year in which you want our guy out but are lukewarm about your guy you want in, and we're really motivated, we're going to blow you out. See election of 1996.

The problem for you, Mike, is what your vanity won't allow you to see: we hate you more than you hate Bush. So everytime your jowels swing on to the screen, you deliver twice as many votes for Bush than you do for Kerry.

Unless, that is, you're working for Hillary.....

My friends, it is time for a reality check.

1. The polls are wrong. They are all over the map like diarrhea. On Friday, one poll had Bush 13 points ahead -- and another poll had them both tied. There are three reasons why the polls are b.s.: One, they are polling "likely voters." "Likely" means those who have consistently voted in the past few elections. So that cuts out young people who are voting for the first time and a ton of non-voters who are definitely going to vote in THIS election. Second, they are not polling people who use their cell phone as their primary phone. Again, that means they are not talking to young people. Finally, most of the polls are weighted with too many Republicans, as pollster John Zogby revealed last week. You are being snookered if you believe any of these polls.

Just ask Governor Gray Davis about those polls. Seriously, polls are becoming more innacurate for many of the reasons megalon describes; it's just his assessment of what that means is screwy. Sure, polls underrepresent the youth vote but guess what? The youth vote underperforms anyway, and plus, this year its skewing right. For a whole variety of reasons, this is why I'm following the political futures markets instead of the polls this year.

2. Kerry has brought in the Clinton A-team. Instead of shunning Clinton (as Gore did), Kerry has decided to not make that mistake.

Oh my goodness this truly deserves a pshop of epic proportions: the only question is who gets to be in the B.A. Baracus part pioneered by Mr. T? I think I'd have to go with Lockhart on that one (I pity the fool who passed on the forgeries!)

the a-team.jpeg
Watch out, Bushitler the Chimperor! Kerry's called in the Clinton A-Team! I pity the fool!

3. Traveling around the country, as I've been doing, I gotta tell ya, there is a hell of a lot of unrest out there. Much of it is not being captured by the mainstream press. But it is simmering and it is real. Do not let those well-produced Bush rallies of angry white people scare you. Turn off the TV! (Except Jon Stewart and Bill Moyers -- everything else is just a sugar-coated lie).

Yep, there is a hell of a lot of unrest, and much of its been ginned up by you and your sleezy lies. If I were you, Mike, I'd keep an eye out for angry crowds carrying a big vat of tar and large bags of feathers---you wouldn't look good riding a rail.

4. Conventional wisdom says if the election is decided on "9/11" (the fear of terrorism), Bush wins. But if it is decided on the job we are doing in Iraq, then Bush loses. And folks, that "job," you might have noticed, has descended into the third level of a hell we used to call Vietnam. There is no way out. It is a full-blown mess of a quagmire and the body bags will sadly only mount higher. Regardless of what Kerry meant by his original war vote, he ain't the one who sent those kids to their deaths -- and Mr. and Mrs. Middle America knows it. Had Bush bothered to show up when he was in the "service" he might have somewhat of a clue as to how to recognize an immoral war that cannot be "won." All he has delivered to Iraq was that plasticized turkey last Thanksgiving. It is this failure of monumental proportions that is going to cook his goose come this November.

So, do not despair. All is not over. Far from it. The Bush people need you to believe that it is over. They need you to slump back into your easy chair and feel that sick pain in your gut as you contemplate another four years of George W. Bush. They need you to wish we had a candidate who didn't windsurf and who was just as smart as we were when WE knew Bush was lying about WMD and Saddam planning 9/11. It's like Karl Rove is hypnotizing you -- "Kerry voted for the war...Kerry voted for the war...Kerrrrrryyy vooootted fooooor theeee warrrrrrrrrr..."

Yes...Yes...Yesssss....He did! HE DID! No sense in fighting now...what I need is sleep...sleeep...sleeeeeeppppp...

WAKE UP! The majority are with us! More than half of all Americans are pro-choice, want stronger environmental laws, are appalled that assault weapons are back on the street -- and 54% now believe the war is wrong. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO CONVINCE THEM OF ANY OF THIS -- YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE THEM A RAY OF HOPE AND A RIDE TO THE POLLS. CAN YOU DO THAT? WILL YOU DO THAT?

"Joel, get off the babysitter!"

I mean seriously, dude, take a breath. You can almost envision the fine froth of Krispy Kreme donut glaze pornographically coating itself to the keyboard as he types this, one handed, the other cramming that desperate 23rd in his mouth, crumbs falling like so many people jumping off the poop deck of the Titanic into the cold, dark abyss of his lap....

Just for me, please? Buck up. The country is almost back in our hands. Not another negative word until Nov. 3rd! Then you can bitch all you want about how you wish Kerry was still that long-haired kid who once had the courage to stand up for something. Personally, I think that kid is still inside him. Instead of the wailing and gnashing of your teeth, why not hold out a hand to him and help the inner soldier/protester come out and defeat the forces of evil we now so desperately face. Do we have any other choice?

Finally, agreement! We too believe that long-haired inner punk/soldier/protestor/preppy is still inside him too. So do the Swift Vets. So do an increasing number of Americans.

And we too are going to hold out a hand for him, and help the John Kerry's inner punk come out--but our hand is a fist.

Payback's a bitch and all.


Michael Moore

Swift Vet ad #7, anyone? Help J. Francois get in touch with his inner child?

UPDATE: Gordon the Cranky Neo-Con (which is like saying Geoffery, the Intemperate English Lit PhD working at Borders) calls this exercise a "grenade of love."

UPDATE DEUX: Blackfive opens up a can of whupass on Kerry's new Iraq tack.

Posted by Steve at September 21, 2004 09:35 AM | TrackBack

I was gonna say I'd eat 'em for breakfast if they're smoked over live coals, but then you went and said, "Maybe the most vicious Republiphobes are driven by an intense rage that they can't understand that stems from a funny feeling in their pants every time they see Margaret Thatcher" and it made me laugh really hard but I lost my appetite.

Posted by: Liz at September 21, 2004 10:10 AM

MM wants me to nurture Kerry's inner child?

Kerry's inner child has been out for long time: crying for Bactine on his Purple Heart booboos in Vietnam, tattletelling on the bad people doing bad things in Vietnam, chasing starlets and aging billionaireresses like a bonobo on vi@gra...and more recently, cowering behind the liberal press and screaming "it's not fair" when his "bring it on" bravado got brought.

The real question is: is there a mature adult in there?

Posted by: FreakyBoy at September 21, 2004 10:57 AM

Michael Moore leads troops into burning building of Kerry campaign. Hilarious!

Posted by: jeff at September 21, 2004 11:30 AM

A-Team. I can see Kerry now, cigar clenched in his teeth, "I love it when a plant comes together."

Of course, then the CBS news van rolls over.

Posted by: Ted at September 21, 2004 11:35 AM
"Maybe the most vicious Republiphobes are driven by an intense rage that they can't understand that stems from a funny feeling in their pants every time they see Margaret Thatcher."

I can't. Believe. I just read that. Funniest line ever.

This really is sort of mesmerizing. Sort of like how I can't stop watching a movie when I know the car's going to explode, or whatever. Truly entertaining. And while I'm not guessing the DU freakazoids are going to make good on their promise to hightail it out of here once the 'Chimperor' gets a new lease on the Oval Office, one can always hope.

Posted by: willow at September 21, 2004 11:47 AM

"The Republicans are laughing at us"

Oh yes we are...


Posted by: steve at September 21, 2004 12:20 PM

I'm not sure what Moore likes more: pork rinds or the caps lock key.

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer at September 21, 2004 01:14 PM

I think the first draft of the memo read:

I had a Pontiac once and it lasted a good year. And it was a VERY good year. Until the freakin shocks bottomed out.

Posted by: Allen at September 21, 2004 02:36 PM


Pajama-clad pirahnas snorting coffee all over their keyboards as they view the rendering of MM's blubber in the Llama Butcher's trypot.

More! More!

Posted by: David St Lawrence at September 23, 2004 03:51 AM
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