I've got a horse right here, the name is Guenevere, and a guy who says when the weather's clear...

No can do.

I'm sorry, if Vin Diesel plays Sky Masterson I'm going to have to go all Neo to put a stop to it, else the Machine Terrorists will have won.

Still.....who would you cast to make the all-time, biggest stink bomb skeeze-fest dorkatronpalooza movie version of Guys and Dolls?

Sure, if you start with Vin Diesel as Sky Masterson, you'd have to get Penelope Cruz to be the Salvation Army chick--but you'd promote the Sarah Brown character from Sargeant to Major, and make her part of the Salvation Army's top secret Special Forces. She's a commando assasin, see, and she goes along with Sky on the midnight trip to Cuba only so she can assasinate Hugo Chavez, in town for a coke binge with Kaddafi's chick-only commando bodyguards. After a dangerous HALO jump into Cuba, they strip down for a ruff and buff tear through the Commie tropical paradise. Slow-motion explosions ensue, as does sexual innuendo involving Captain Morgan and little bamboo umbrellas.

Then, you'd get your ex-missus Cruise to play Miss Adelaide, leader of the Hot Box dancers by night, but by day a struggling women's studies professor at Columbia. Nathan Detroit? Joe Pesci, of course, or if he's stuck in a contract to play alongside Jim Nabors and Florence Henderson in Streetcar at the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre in Jupiter, Florida, you'd go for Bruno Kirby. When he sings "Sue me, sue me, shoot bullets through me" she does, with a honking big Sig-Sauer (slow motion of the ejected shell, to the tune of Samuel Barber's Adagio for strings), fleeing in their macked-up aqua-marine Prius, with her bisexual lover, the daughter of the Secretary General of the UN, from the monomanical clutches of evil Detective Brannigan (a detoxed Tom Sizemore) in a cross-country car chase in search of secret Illuminati treasure that could blow the lid off milennia of Vatican coverups as to the true nature of Christ (alien, but of course), hidden beneath the midway on the grounds of the 1893 Chicago World's Fair.

Big Jule of course would be played by Verne Troyer. Nicely-nicely, Bennie, and Harry the Horse? Cedric the Entertainer, Chris Rock and David Spade.

Or, as the late, great Andrew Dice Clay would've said, "Hey, I've got your horse right HERE! Way-ohhhhhh!"