Cylon Intruder Alert

Lest you think Cylons have to diguise themselves as slinky, lingerie-clad blondes with glowing spines in order to get our attention, allow me to disabuse you of that notion.

I drove out to the Llama Llost Weekend with my semi-cousin Cam. He had recently had a GPS system installed in his car for navigating around DelMarVa in connection with his home-bound patient hospice practice, and was positively smitten with the thing. He calls her Bimini, and the entire way there and back kept relaying to me the information she was spewing out - ETA, miles to go, driving directions, etc.

It all sounds wonderful. But I know the truth: Bimini is a Cylon.

How do I know this? Because I've been travelling the roads between Dee Cee and Lexington, VA for many years. I know just about everything worth knowing about things like the relevant merits of going down Rte. 29 and cutting over at Charlottesville versus taking I-66 all the way out to I-81 at Front Royal. I know the best times to consider coming up Rte. 28 from Remington to Manassas in order to miss the bottleneck at Gainesville. Of course, I can easily navigate around the streets of Metro-Lex itself. And I know the best ways to break the gravitational pull of the Beltway and get out of the Dee Cee area.

Yet for the entire trip, Bimini kept spewing out suggestions that were not quite optimal. Nothing obviously wrong, you understand, just....a bit off. It struck me that she was doing this as a way to test her influence, to see how far into her clutches Cam had fallen.

I noticed this as soon as we left my driveway. Then, when we stopped at a gas station, my growing suspicions suddenly were confirmed: While Cam was busy getting some cokes, Bimini, flat-panel liquid crystal display and all, glared at me. It was a swift, venomous look. I'll never forget it.

As I say, Cam is totally in love with this piece of technology gone bad. It was everything I could do to keep him from taking her every suggestion. At every new one, I had to argue strenuously, promising that I knew better because I'd done the trip so many times. Finally, reluctantly, he would agree. The worst instance was on the way back as we cut over the Blue Ridge via Rockfish Gap on I-64. Bimini did not approve of this and kept offering suggestions for how best to get back on I-81 and continue up the Shenendoah Valley.

I am convinced that she will go on working her seductive influence until Cam is totally beholden to her. Then, at the appointed time, she is going to vector him straight into an ambush.

It makes me wonder how many of her bretheren are out there......