January 29, 2005

Name the Lil' LLamabutcher

Allright, we're at crunch time and I'm offically stuck in the name front on the name for the little LLama due on Monday.

Folks, I need help. In a bad way.

I've been stuck on "Elvis Agamemnon (LLamabutcher)" and needless to say, this isn't going over well with the Dear One. She is quite tolerant with me, though, and quite amused over the concept of as she puts it of "you and your imaginary bloggo friends." Last night she suggested that I just solicit ideas from you guys, so from her lips to my MT, here goes nothing.......

I'd like to throw it open to you, our dear and loyal readers. What the heck should I put in the name list?

Here are the parameters: he's a boy. He's the fourth kid. Eldest daughter (8) has a Jane Austen protagonist's name; older brother (6) is named after our third Chief Justice; younger older daughter (2) is named after a large city in New South Wales that's not Sydney (all three of these are family names).

Other parameters: my wife and I both have issues with our own names. Speaking for myself, let's just say if you were born in 1966 and named "Steve" you faced twelve years of schooling in which you were regularly one of at least half a dozen "Steves" in your class each year, so that it wasn't just enough that you were "Steve B." or even "Steve Br." but that you would become "Steve Bra." (Damn that "Steve Brown! To hellllllllll!) Try and do that to a ten year old, and is there any wonder he's writing under the nom de blog "LLamabutcher"? (Insert Judge Smails' "Ehhhhhhhhmmmmm?" here) Let's just say it's a miracle I'm not heading to the nearest library clock tower with a bundle of "curtain rods" under my arm......

So anyhoo, them's the stakes. Personally, I'm looking forward to about 70 years from now, and getting the chance to listen to young mothers as I'm wheeling around in my geriatric flying wheelchair (would it be then a wingchair? Where the hell is Reynolds when you need him!) and hearing them talk about how "the old-fashioned names are back in," and looking at these mothers of 2075 smiling at their little Brandi's, Tiffani's, and Kristal's. Lately it seems that my 6 year old son has four friends named Owen, two named Clay in his Sunday school class, plus assorted Cooper's, Will's, Henry's, and Alex's galore. And since as Jordana and I have been joking about that our kids attend Hippie Commie German schools, our kids have friends named Range, Rain, Skye, Ezra, Essau......

And what's the deal with naming your kid "Chrystal?" I mean, if I wanted to name my child after a wildly expensive liquid that makes all the ladies go crazy, I'd name it "HP Inkjet Ink (LLamabutcher)."

We also want to avoid the whole "Z" phenomena: I have four friends from grad school whose eldest sons are named Zach. I mean, what the heck's the deal with that? I mean, are there that many six year olds running around named "Screech" or "A.C", or "Mister Belder"? And did that many girls lose their virginity down in the rec room when "90120" was on the tee-vee that they need to name their sons "Luke"? Funny, I have yet to see a single "Cosmo," "Jerry," or "Elaine" (let alone many Judy's, Robert's and Robin's) in the pre-school set amidst a sea of "Luke's", so I guess that says something about the relative subliminal-influence-of-the-tee-vee-on-during-sex power of "Saved by the Bell" and "Beverly Hills 90120" versus "Seinfeld" and "The Newshour."

Who knew that "Nick-at-Night" causes fertility?

Okay, if it were up to me (and it's not, of course: it's much more of a "look at the kid in the nursery and you know what the name is" sort of thing for us) this is what I'd go with:


I've only known two Calvin's in my life, one was a bit of a nutter in Robbo's fraternity, and the other was a dearly loved professor in law school. But while certain names become trendy because they are featured on the tee-vee or in media, others seem to have the opposite effect, some sort of unpopularity hex placed upon them (and I'm not talking about "Orenthal James Simpson (LLamabutcher)" or "Scott Peterson Stalin (LLamabutcher)" as some helpful nutters over at Sadie's place suggested). For example, one of my other favorite ideas was:


and this is a no-go because it triggers one of two things, depending on which groups you run with, either cutting into the theme song of "I luv Clifford, the big red dog!" or a really, really bad impersonation of John Ratzenberger doing "Hey, hey, ahhh, Normie!"

The other problem we run into is with my last name: it's a Hugenot one (which should explain my charming personality and my willingness to play nicely with others.....), and has a double dipthong in it---a syllable beginning in a "b" and ending in a hard urrr and a syllable ending in an "aaauh" separated by a friendly guttural "g." Basically, you pronounce it using similar motions necessary to hork a large piece of flem from the back of your throat.

So this rules out first names with a "Br" combination in them as being basically child abuse: Bruce, Byron, Robert, etc.

So, here's my unedited list, roughly categorized by genre:

Heroes of the republic:
Henry Knox (LLamabutcher)
Nathaniel Greene (LLamabutcher)
Hugo Lafayette (LLamabutcher)
Theodore Roosevelt (LLamabutcher)
Merriwether Lewis (LLamabutcher)
Alexander Hamilton (LLamabutcher)
Henry Abraham (LLamabutcher)

(and yes, since my other son is named after the third Chief Justice, I have considered "Thurgood Marshall (LLamabutcher)")

Heroes of the LLamabutchers:
Snake Pliskin (LLamabutcher) (okay, I'm kidding about that one)
Carlton Fisk (LLamabutcher)
Conan Barbarian (Llamabutcher) (now if I could sneak that one by the Dear One while she's still on the painkillers....)
Buckaroo Banzai (LLamabutcher)
(and yes, I can hear the Leather Penguin shouting for "Bill Buckner (LLamabutcher)" and the only thing I can say is "Super Choke Jeter Stinks (LLamabutcher)" was already taken)
Magnum P.I. (LLamabutcher) (because I think having two middle names is pretentiously cool, even if they are "Private" and "Investigator")
Ferris Bueller (LLamabutcher)

With any of these, you are really giving the boy a leg up, because when it comes time to apply for college, that annoying "Name something you've had to overcome in your life" essay already has a preset topic!

Things that are definitely NOT an option:

Duran Duran (LLamabutcher)

Mixing "Heroes of the Republic" with "Heroes of the LLamas," I suggested last night to the Dear One "DeWitt Clinton (LLamabutcher)" as a means to not only honor one of New York's scheming early governors, but also to commemorate the great sacrifices made to our great country by Joyce DeWitt in her bold portrayal of "Joyce" in Three's Company.

And yes, if you hold up a mirror to my forehead, you can read "Revereware--Makers of Fine Frying Pans since 1789" stamped across the lump on my noggin.

Some family names to play with:
Sullivan (yeah, I've got the nasty Irish-Hugenot mixing, which would explain the horse-pill sized antidepressants now, wouldn't it?)

Some names the Dear One likes:

Now by doing this, I realize I'm opening it up to INDC Bill's first comment, which will be "Why don't you name him after his father, "FedEx Driver (Llamabutcher)" to which I give the hearty LLama Orgle-off middle hoof salute. But these are the risks I'm willing to take.

Don't make him go through life as "Elvis Agamemnon."

Posted by Steve at January 29, 2005 06:54 AM

With Farrell, you run the danger of several other same-named kids in his first-grade class...all of whose mothers had crushes on Colin Farrell.

Hence the plethora of Chandlers, Dylans, and Ashtons. Don't do that to your Mini-LLama!

Posted by: Sadie at January 29, 2005 07:04 AM

My point exactly!

Posted by: Steve the LLamabutcher at January 29, 2005 07:17 AM

Beauregard Orestes Brraughauchh,
or Bob for short.

Posted by: Axel Kassel at January 29, 2005 07:58 AM

Why not take Dear One likes and combine them?

Walker Colin or Colin Walker?

As for Quentin, your son may not forgive, either of you. }:O)

Maybe, this will do it - Glenn Walker Hugenot?

How about Derek/Derrick Colin or Derek/Derrick Walker or Derek/Derrick Edward?

Then, you could go really silly with Derek Ulyssess Hugenot or DUH for short. }:O) Sorry, I could NOT resist that. Dear One will make a second trademark on your forhead, for that one.

Posted by: Mickey aka MmeMoxie at January 29, 2005 08:30 AM

Go with "Seven."

Otherwise, why not a tribute? Like Rusty Shackleford Llama or Glenn Reynolds Llama?

Posted by: Leopold Stotch at January 29, 2005 08:36 AM


Posted by: babs at January 29, 2005 09:09 AM

You might find this site useful for avoiding the appallingly popular names:


Sidenote: enter the name “Hillary” in the “Popularity of a Name” box. Hmm....

Posted by: Don at January 29, 2005 10:03 AM

How about "Blog" LLamabutcher? As an infant and toddler, you can call him Bloggy, and as he enters adolescence you can transition to the more mature "Blogger."

You may even get some sponsorship deals (typepad, blogger.com, etc) to fund his college years!

Posted by: david at January 29, 2005 10:12 AM

If you name your child "Merriwether" I hope for his sake he grows up VERY fast and doesn't stop until he's 6'5" and 250 pounds of solid muscle, preferably at age 13.

Steve might be appalingly common, but Steve's get their asses kicked less.

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer at January 29, 2005 10:48 AM

And a correction: The Three's Company character's name was "Janet."

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer at January 29, 2005 10:52 AM

You could always name him "Fitzwilliam Darcy (Llamabutcher)" since you've already got an Austen theme going on.

Heh. ;)

I've always been quite fond of Nathaniel, but sadly when the husband and I decide to finally start reproducing, it's off the list: I don't want to put the kid through alliterative hell. "Nathaniel Nelson"? Nope. I don't think so. That's just asking for the bullies to pound your kid. Anyway, since we can't use it, I hand it over to you. I think it will go well with your last name (since I'm one of the select few who knows what it actually is), and you can always call him Nat for short. Perfect name for a Red Sox third baseman.

Good luck! We're rooting for ya!

Posted by: Kathy at January 29, 2005 10:53 AM

Lemuel is a nice name.

Posted by: lemuel at January 29, 2005 11:08 AM

Kalani Iain - "God's gracious gift from heaven!" Hawaiian and Gaelic in one name.... ;-)

Posted by: Romeocat at January 29, 2005 11:20 AM

I personally like Alexander! Strong name for a strong kid. Combine it with one of the "Dear Ones" names, like Colin. Colin Alexander. The main thing I watched out for when naming my 5, yes that's right, 5, kids, was for things that would backfire. Like I wouldn't name any of my kids with a name starting with a B, because last name is Mason. You get my drift.
My daughter, 16, has a good friend (smart and cute) named Alexander and he goes by Alex. Colin is also another friend and in Med school.
In the long run though, as I told my Hubby, "I fill out the Birth Certificate, so don't go messing with me"!"
Good luck! And when she grabs you around the neck and applies pressure, screaming "this is all your fault", just nod right before you pass out. Kitty ;)

Posted by: K. Mason at January 29, 2005 12:29 PM

If not Calvin, how about Hobbes? Egbert hasn't been used much in the last 12 centuries. Frederick, for Frederick the Great, or just Fred, for when you're feeling multicultural and want a name from Sanford & Son.

Posted by: Robert at January 29, 2005 12:54 PM

Ulysses Everett McGill. That or Dilbert. Or Mr. Peabody. Oh, wait. It's a baby, right?

Ok - how about Uriah? Uriah Shillelah Brack-aught. Now that's a hell of a name! His nickname could be Bug.

Or Ralph with it's old world pronunciation: Rafe. Then he can spend his life correcting his teachers and get that outsider vibe on early.

It's snowing at my house and it's 1:30pm. Are you going to send me the names of those students? Hmmmmm?

Posted by: Chai-rista at January 29, 2005 01:23 PM


Posted by: Eloise at January 29, 2005 01:33 PM

I'm partial to "Gus" (Either Gustav or Augustine) and "Titus," and I'm not sure my lovely wife will let me have either of them when Baby #2 comes along this June. (We don't even know the gender of the child yet, so it may not be an option anyway.) But I'd like to think that someone benefitted from these excellent names.

Posted by: Drew at January 29, 2005 04:38 PM

Learned Hand Llamabutcher. 'Nuff said.
If he's real small he could be Learned Thumb as an alternative.

Posted by: Wittysexkitten at January 29, 2005 05:29 PM

She likes "Walker," right? How about "George Walker?"

Posted by: Cowboy Blob at January 30, 2005 12:07 AM

Since you're a music fan, how about Aaron Copland Llamabutcher? Sensible name, and won't clash with Hugenot. Otherwise, find out the name of the obstetrician. My husband was named after his grandfather and middle name was the obstetrician. His mom was a little nuts, tho.

Posted by: Denise at January 30, 2005 04:10 AM

You named your daughter Wollongong?! (Large city, New South Wales, not Sydney... It's either that or Newcastle.)

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 30, 2005 06:24 AM

Just realized another name for your boy:
(why didn't I think of that earlier?)
And what's wrong with Agamemnon Elvis

Posted by: Robert at January 30, 2005 10:52 AM

If you relent on the Z thing you could always go for Zaphod...

Posted by: jn at January 30, 2005 12:54 PM

Gnu Alpaca (Llamabutcher)?

Just a thought.

Posted by: Bryan at January 30, 2005 04:47 PM

Alexander Paul.

Trust me; it's gold.

Posted by: Pigilito at January 31, 2005 07:54 AM

well, there are the 'bert' names:


as a Dave, I had the same experience of too many times turning my head when someone else was being called. We looked at lists of names by frequency given and didn't consider anything in the top 100. We wanted half-way dignified, easy to spell. No 'Dakotas' in our house! Names we almost picked included Clement and Julian.

Posted by: dave s at January 31, 2005 09:27 AM

Hmm. Names are tricky and I say that as a girl who has had her cross to bear with a name that conjures up Barbie's horse and a certain porno film...anyhoo, how about a first name "Battle"? My husband has nixed it, but I think it is powerful, people don't wonder how to spell it, and nobody will forget it. You can shorten it to "Bat" as a child. Battle Walker B... he could be a Supreme Court Justice or a starting lineman for an NFL team. He could be an attorney, or a General. Not to mention all the cool nickname possibilities...like "Batman"!


Posted by: Phoenix at January 31, 2005 11:21 AM

Pelham? Gresham? Or is that the other Llamabutcher?

As Babs says, Timothy. Good solid name, religious meaning (lover of christ...agape, not eros)can be shortened to Tim, can be used now before a Tim (coff, coff) becomes stunningly famous....yes, just what you need, a child named from your blogroll.

Posted by: Tim Worstall at February 1, 2005 07:21 AM

Grenville, not Gresham. Wrong novelist.

Posted by: Tim Worstall at February 1, 2005 07:21 AM

In the "heroes of the Republic" list, what - no Tecumseh Sherman?

Posted by: Alex at February 1, 2005 10:28 AM

Why does it need to be Calvin or Hobbes, it could be Calvin Hobbes Llamabutcher.

I'm always partial to Michael. There's something about being named for somebody who cast Satan into hell that just get's you off to a good start I think.

Carlton doesn't need to be followed by Fisk. How about "Carlton James". You get Fisk and Rice. Not a bad combination. You even get "Carl" for Yaz by default.

Posted by: SteveL at February 2, 2005 10:33 AM
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