LLAMABUTCHER EXCLUSIVE!!!

MUST CREDIT LLAMAS!

Tragedy struck the Damascus, Syria, premiere of Fahrenheit 9/11, as special guest-of-the-director Michael Moore's long-time skeet shooting buddy and al-Quaida terrorist Mohammad al-Bingaling, feeling festive, decided to celebrate by taking the Olsen Twins hostage, and threatening to behead them if "the criminal Zionist gangster isn't soon replaced by that earnest and forthright man of the people John Kerry, who you know served valiantly in Vietnam, and if the second season of "Saved by the Bell" isn't released on DVD forthright."

Mr. Moore, reached in Tehran, where he's planning his new documentary "To Truly Hate America, You Must Also Hate Jimmy Carter. Really" had no comment, other than punching the cameraman and demanding "DON'T YOU BASTARDS RESPECT ANYONE'S PRIVACY?" Later his spokesman issued a statement that "the fact that Mr. Moore's epic new documentary is being hailed throughout the Middle East and that Mr. Moore personally eats the livers of children murdered by Fatah thugs, does not have any bearing on the evil that is George Bush or the fact that everyone on the Today Show, noted source of journalistic integrity and objectivity that it is, loves this movie!"