August 04, 2005


John over at Texas Best Grok builds on the discussion of the "unholy trinity" of blog topics on the center/right: abortion, gun control, and evolution.

Let me just add two things to this: First, I think it was completely within his penumbral right to privacy protected by emanations of the Ninth Amendment for Harry Potter to coerce Hermione into exercising her constitutional right to privacy after he knocked her up after that little encounter behind Honeydukes (who knew the Bertie Botts All Flavors had THAT one too!?!) Yet, even though Voldemort is running loose, I think it's perfectly reasonable to effectively ban the use of firearms other than Brown Bess Muskets carried on the shoulder like a Continental soldier, fired while wearing a funny tricorner hat. And Salazar Slytherin is definitely descended from a monkey.

Second thing: is it just me, or is Voldemort kind of flaming out as a villain? I mean, okay, he's a Grade A pyscopath and all, but so what? Has he destroyed a whole planet like Vader did to Alderan? Is he bent on releasing a race of Orcs to kill off humanity?


We keep hearing about how Voldemort "tried to take over last time" and wants to take over now; and how he has a penchant for torturing and killing people who piss him off. Does that sound less like a world dominating tyrant on the Hitler/Vader model, and more like a mafia drug lord with the magic mojo?

If you think of it, what is Voldemort really other than a hopped up Tony Montana with a wand?

harry potter versus scarface.jpg

I neva f*cked anybody over in my life, who didn't have it comin' to 'im, you got that? All I have in this world is my balls, and my word, and I don't break 'em for no one, jou understand? Jou f*ckin' maricon! Ja, leesten up....go and tell that cock-ah-roach Drumbleboor that heees got a leetle problem....I'm BAAAACK, and heees going to haf to say hello to my leetle friend.


(Contains actual plot spoilers to Harry Potter VI)

We've been rooting around the trash in Edinburgh as of late trying to bring you the loyal reader(s) of the LLamabutchers breaking nooz on the plot for Harry Potter Seven: Harry Potter and Secret of the Ridiculous Intergenerational Trust Fund Designed to Make Warren Buffet Look Like The Boorish Low-Brow Toad That He Really Is.

Of course, now that, errr, Hogwarts is in need of a new Headmaster and all, everyone's assuming it's going to be that old toad McGonnagal. Fooey! The LLamas have discovered that there's going to be a new Headmaster at Hogwarts, an old "friend" of Fudge's who Fudge happens to owe quite a few favors to, in fact something in the order of ninety three thousand galleons, two hundred sickles and five knuts to. So as partial payment, say hello to our new headmaster:

meet the new headmaster of hogwarts.jpg

Sample dialogue:

Harry slowly ascended the rising spiral stair case to the Head's office, oddly aware that the last time he was there was just before he set out with Dumbledore on the night of his death. The door was ajar, and he saw a small Puerto Rican man yelling at the portrait of Phineas Nigelus, the deceased Headmaster whose other portrait was at the HQ of the Order of the Phoenix--Sirius' home, now Harry's home.

"Eh, fuck you, man! Who put this thing together? Me, that's who! Who do I trust? Me! [I don't need him; I don't need her. Everything is roses; I don't need nobody]"

"Well, never in my day was such a thing heard of" as Phineas Nigelus stormed out of his picture. All the other portraits tried to pretend they were asleep.

In the corner---where Hawkes the Phoenix used to perch---sat an enormous Cockateel named Matty.

Harry stood perfectly still. What did the new head want? He saw Dumbledore's old Penseive sitting on the desk, but instead of being filled with the swirling magical light of Dumbledore's thoughts, it was overfilled with a strange pile of white powder. I wonder what magical properties that has, Harry thought? I'll be sure to try some later.

"You asked for me, sir?"

"In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the woman."

"Errr, but Ginny and was just too difficult. I was reading this Spider Man comic book---he's this Muggle "Super Hero" with fake magical powers who has this real hero complex about saving people because he's an orphan and all, and he loves this girl, but realizes that if he loves her, the bad guys are going to want to kill her, so he gets all pouty...."

"That prick! Fuckin' WASP whore"

"Sir, Ginny is not a WASP---she's a full blooded Wizard, the first female Weasley in three generations!"

"Why don't you try stickin' jou head up jour ass -- see if it fits"

"Errr, Madam Pomfrey specifically asked Professor Flitwick to stop teaching us how to do that. But what about Quidditch, sir? Now that all of Slytherin has been shown to be a crew of murderous brigands, what of the Quidditch Cup?"

"Fuck Gaspar Gomez, and fuck the fuckin' Diaz brothers! Fuck'em all! I bury those cock-a-roaches!"

"Yes, sir, and don't forget Crabbe and Goyle too. But Quidditch?"

"Eh, fuck you, man! I'm Professor Tony Montana! You fuck wit me, you fuckin' wit da best!

"Err, okay, sir. It's just the Quidditch Cup---it's tradition!"

"This is paradise, I'm tellin' ya. This town like a great big pussy jus' waitin' to get fucked."

"I'll take that for a 'yes' then. Good day!"

It's a start. Now the next chapter, when we catch up with the runaways Snape and Draco on the lam in Las Vegas and hard up for cash, giving new meaning to the words "Dog and Pony show," that one is going to need a little work--I'm not sure if it will "fly" so to speak with the Potter Puritans.

Posted by Steve at August 4, 2005 10:42 PM | TrackBack

A really sure-fire way to piss off your readers is to reveal major plot spoilers. I sure hope the apparent spoiler in your Harry Potter riff was not a real spoiler.

Posted by: JohnL at August 5, 2005 12:12 AM

Surprising language for a llama.

Posted by: babs at August 5, 2005 08:40 AM

Nah, it wouldn't be Hermionie excercising her "right to privacy." Didn't you read the sixth book, yo? (of course you did) Or at least it wouldn't be Harry.

Voldy has nothing on Vader. Forget Alderan, even (besides, that was Tarkin). For one, Vader offed a room full of KIDS, while Voldemort couldn't even kill a baby just sitting there. Shoot, I bet that just the number of fleet commanders Vader choked over twenty years is more than all Voldemort has ever done in. And Vader had a good heart to top it all off. Voldemort doesn't even have a complete soul.

Posted by: TheRoyalFamily at August 5, 2005 12:04 PM

I think the heats finally getting to ya Steve-O, either that or the AC Guys might have Freon pumping into your office.

The affects of Freon aren't nearly as fun huffing spray paint, but they'll do.

Posted by: phin at August 5, 2005 04:05 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?