The Enemy Within

Fortnightly Sadie (d'you mind if I call you a Fistfull for the future?) exposes the Internal Workings of the Blogger Mind. Some samples:

3. You will care what other people think: Even if you really don't. Stats will become an important part of your blogging life (also self-esteem), even though you detest math. You'll be glad your web-stalker is gone but regret losing the hits. When stats go down, you will start padding your posts with words like "kirsten dunst" and "nipples."

No Julie Huddy nude pics posting here! Nope, none. Nada.

Every blogger I've ever read has, at some point, written something to the effect that they don't care if they ever get any hits, they just appreciate having a place to express themselves. What. A bunch. Of crap. You lie and you know you lie.

5. You will feel the need to post, even when you have nothing to say. Just in case other people are reading. Guilt will actually settle in. I'm a slave for you.

This is pretty close akin to my old collegiate meeting girls anxiety, actually. Once I worked up the nerve to start talking, I felt I had to keep talking, just to keep their attention, just to buy myself a little more time to come up with something brilliant/meaningful/soulful/funny/sexy. One patch of dead air and they'd wander off and find that really cool guy the other end of the room and I'd be left alone to walk out of the party with yet another giant red "L" stamped on my forehead. (Of course, the fact that idiotic yammering was also punishable by a scarlet-L branding only made the experience that much more bitter.)

7. People irritate you more than usual outside the blogosphere. At least your readers understand. Why talk to those irritating, clueless, inane people in your office, when you can sneak a quick peek at your favorite blogs for clever quips, interesting insight, and comment-based conversations? You expect your friends to be witty and clever, as you are "surrounded" by bright, witty people with bright witty blogs. You simply cannot fathom how the rest of the world survives without this distraction. More than likely, your significant other will find the blogging bemusedly adorable, but he will never really "get it."

My significant other doesn't find the blogging so goddamedly adorable when she notices I've posted something at 6:30 PM from the office when I should already be on my way home to help deal with the kids.

9. You will stop having normal conversations with family and friends: Real life conversations will go like this. "Oh, hey, I saw So-And-So in concert and the weirdest thing happened..." Friend, "Yeah, I know, I read about it on your blog." Silence. Friend, "Did I tell you that I'm..." You, "Blog." Friend, "Yeah."

Telephone conversations with the 'rents have devolved into this sort of thing. Which is actually an advantage, sometimes, because a) I always seem to get a bad connection to their house and b) whenever I pick up the phone, the Llama-ettes take it as a cue to start raising holy hell.

The other thing is that I've noticed people in my immediate circle starting to pepper their conversations with "yips" and "orgles", which is really starting to weird me out a bit.

10. On a slow posting day, your first thought tends to be, "Why aren't you all busy shirking your jobs and entertaining me? I need INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION, or, barring that, something really silly and totally useless to peruse. Seriously. I'm bored to tears here people. For the love of f*cking g*d, POST SOMETHING. NOW."

Um....ahem. I said, AHEM!

Now go read the rest.