I represented juvenile defendants many moons ago when I first went into private practice. Rare was the court-directed social history prepared for sentencing that did not include the phrase "so-and-so has poor self-esteem."

I have always said that the measure of a person is not their response to their victories, but their response to their defeats. Keep plugging on is the lesson that young people need to learn. Maybe the most important one.

I often feel that I have been blessed in my life by not having a lot of success when I was young. The successes I did have (in school growing up, for instance) all led me to the wrong conclusions (as they say in the Matrix, that I was somehow special and that the rules did not apply to me). The defeats are where I learned. But if one doesn't learn that defeat and victory are both possible alternatives, and what is really important is that one does one's best, then defeat can lead to despair. "Oh, poor me, the universe does not recognize me and reward me." These esteem gurus are programming their students for failure.

Hothouse flowers is an apt term. You are dead right on this, Robbo.

I both agree and disagree with you. To me a healthy self-esteem is what allows a person who falls down in the mud to get up and go clean themselves off or ask for help in that regard, rather than sit and cry and sue the earth or rain. In other words, a child who fails a test despite earnest effort, should not feel ill of themselves. They should feel "Okay, I'm still not getting something. How important is this to me and what are the ways I can learn the material?" Sometimes that means seeking out an alternate form of learning, sometimes it means putting that particular study away for awhile; as a home-schooling mom I learned that what was hard to master one week wasn't necessarily hard to master three weeks later, or the nexxt year. Sometimes the subject simply isn't necessary to the life of the child or adult and can be pushed off indefinitely. (Not everyone must speak French.) Sometimes the subject is beyond the abilities of the child. That too can be accepted.(I guess I'm never going to make the Opera).

Lack of real self esteem leads to blaming others for the failing, despondency and self denigration--I'm stupid/klutzy/inept.

To react by judging their overall value in terms of any particular aspect of themselves, be it success at learning, weight or athletic ability, is not a healthy self-esteem, they either have a poor regard for themselves or an over-rated sense of self.

To judge oneself as having value and worth, but needing improvement in some areas, and deserving of help to obtain that improvement, that is a healthy sense of self-esteem.

As the mother of four daughters, I, too, daily face the stupidity of the "I love me" movement. The Self Esteem at the Expense of Males propaganda that is constantly thrown at my daughters makes me nauseated. I can't stand those t-shirts that are so derogatory about boys.

Or how about a misogynist attitude from a female neighbor? Just yesterday said neighbor loudly proclaimed in front of my daughters, and in my absence no less, that she was glad "the Lord didn't give her girls because she didn't have the patience for them." Yeah.

Btw, Robert, love this syntax: the comparative shelter of school.

My soapbox. Stepping down now....

The problem I've noticed with the self esteem verses a passing grade is that you run into cases like I’ve seen recently is kids are receiving passing grades so their delicate feelings aren’t hurt. Teachers have been instructed to be more lenient on children with “fragile” egos. My mother, wife, sister-in-law, mother-in-law are all teachers, my father was an advisor for incoming college freshmen for many years at the local universities.

The one trend I’ve noticed in conversations with them is a decline in the quality of education. When principals and superintendents are over-riding grades and passing students you end up with people unable to function at the collegiate level and in the work place. You end up with Honors students taking remedial math and English courses. You end up with kids not being competitive. Sorry folks like it or not second place is the first looser and corporate America isn’t going to pay your children to feel good about themselves

But hey who needs a quality education as long as out kids feel good about themselves. Instead of giving the grades kids earn and deserve, let’s give them an A for at least trying to learn the material. Sorry but with a mentality like that we’re going to end up in the same boat as France with a 36 hour work week and high unemployment, but at least our kids will feel good about themselves as they are living in our basements forever.

Amen, Brother. Self esteem comes from accomplishments. Simple, really. Put your child in the path of doing for themselves. What, by the way, is better than the expression on your kid's face when he/she gets something or does something all by themselves for the first time? That is self esteem. That is something they've created for themselves. Help them, by all means, but don't do it for them. You're cheating them and yourself, it seems to me.

I was lucky. I never had to put up with this "feeling over thinking" crap - for that is what all this self-esteem focus really is. I had teachers and administrators who, for the most part, have been around long enough to know what was really right.

I think part of the problem is that a lot of teachers either don't really have the skills to work in "the real world" (ie, outside schools - I mean, what will an English major do, besides teaching? Write?); and those that do have the skills chose to teach for one reason or another. The latter group are often the better teachers - at least from the feelings-aren't-tops standpoint. Then again, that is just my personal experience.

"how to get up off their knees when Life knocks them down" -- shouldn't you teach them that nice girls don't end up on their knees?